Violet’s guide to the best college stash

Forget your hoodies, rowing blazers and college teddy bears, these are the best items you can get from your plodge

Alannah Lewis

Fur-lined hoods are the highest form of stashLouis Ashworth

I adore stash. Absolutely, unequivocally, carnally love it. Ask any of my friend, and she’ll tell you the same thing (in college, they call me ‘Ms Stash’. I don’t know why. I didn’t ask them to). I’ve dedicated my life to the acquisition of more stash.

I have leavers’ stash from a private all-boys school (I didn’t go to a private all-boys school); stash from my local athletics club (they requested I leave after I bought out all their stash); stash which I was asked to smuggle out of Colombia on a plane. I even have stash from the fall of the Berlin Wall (I wasn’t there personally, but I heard good things).

Going to Cambridge, as I do, I’ve encountered a lot of stash: most of it great, a lot of it phenomenal, but some of it merely ‘good’. Whatever your opinions are on stash, I don’t really care. I’ve compiled a list of the best stash items across the University so as to settle the issue once and for all.

Nasal inhaler: Emmanuel
Everyone knows Emmanuel as the ‘nasal’ college, but hardly anyone knows why. Except now we do! Catch these bad boys sitting pretty in the plodge, just behind the glass display case. For a mere £5 a pop, you’d be mad ​not​ to buy one.

Yes, you can actually get this at any tourist shop in townBruceBlaus/Emmanuel College (Composite: Devarshi Lodhia)

Ceremonial sword: Fitzwilliam
Some have called Fitzwilliam’s casual distribution of these ancient battle swords ‘irresponsible’, ‘dangerous’, and ‘please stop pointing that big weapon at me’. But Fitz students themselves will tell you that no self-respecting member of college would be caught dead without one.

Paddle-boarding shoes: Trinity Hall
Ever looked down at your feet whilst paddle-boarding and wondered: what’s missing? Wonder no more, because I can tell you that it’s the Trinity Hall crest. Now, take note: you have to order these puppies online. Don’t ask me what the URL is. I’ve been blocked from the site for buying too many. You’ll have to go it alone from here.

My Gran: Pembroke
Wondering what to get Grandad this Christmas? Can’t quite get away with the same hand-written hug-coupon you’ve been reusing for the past twenty years? Why not splash out on my Gran this festive season? She’s the gift that keeps giving (for another ten to fifteen years at least). Mozy on down to the Pembroke plodge — this is a limited time offer!

This is my actual granJennifer Buzanowski, U.S. Air Force

Oliver Cromwell’s skull: Sidney Sussex
A while back, there was a young and unassuming Sidney undergraduate who went by the name of Oliver Cromwell. As part of a drinking society challenge, he was dared to found the Commonwealth. Sadly, Oliver died before the task could be completed. His head was buried in a geranium patch and every April since, a crop of real Oliver Cromwell skulls has been seen flowering in the college grounds. Snap yours up before it’s too late!

Signet ring: St. John’s
Okay, so this one’s actually a joke. Sorry.