An Archaic Alcohol-Consumption Institution has responded to calls for it to change its outdated and antiquarian customs by declaring: “Actually, I like me very much. Just as I am.”

My biggest weakness is probably that I never learn from my mistakes. Because I never make mistakes

In a recent interview with this newspaper, the Institution admitted that “Yes, I have a problem with deep-rooted misogyny, homophobia, classism, racism, transphobia, Islamophobia et al. But I was founded a long time ago, when that kind of thing was fine. I’m a bit like your racist Grandad in that respect. Except I won’t give you money at Christmas and I’m never going to die.”

Nevertheless, it reassured us that it would be looking into allegations of its own failure to counteract discrimination.

“I’m just like any other archaic institution. I have my weaknesses. My biggest weakness is probably that I never learn from my mistakes. Because I never make mistakes”.

When asked about recent exposure of drinking society activity on social media, arguably symptomatic of the glorified drinking culture fomented for centuries within its own hallowed halls, the Institution had this to say:

“Drinking societies are a bit like Marmite. I don’t really like Marmite. But, realistically, there are more pressing matters to attend to than Marmite, or the education of our young people on cultures of complicity, discrimination and the implications of their toxic behaviours, for that matter.”

The Institution went on to cite “ending global warfare” and “glandular fever awareness” as concerns it would be committing itself to for the remainder of the academic year.

“Yes, there are threats to our society which might be found a little closer to home,” it added. “Like inclusivity. I mean, the lack of inclusivity. That’s a real problem. But we’ve got to be realistic. How can we solve our inclusivity problem when millions of teenagers are walking around with undiagnosed mono? Right now, we need to be the change we want to see in the world.”