It’s that time of year again.  C-Sunday happens, some things get written about C-Sunday, C-Sunday is then over. I am here to contribute to the rich legacy of informing the public about the hallowed tradition that is Caesarean Sunday. 

For those of you who aren’t in the know, C-Sunday (but remember, the ‘C’ is pronounced silently) might seem just another one of those weird Cambridge ‘quirks’ you encounter from time to time – a bit like college marriage, or deep-rooted insecurity.

In reality, it’s more of a weird Cambridge ‘foible’ – like punting, or the disproportionately high number of people who went to Eton.

Strongbow with Weetabix, smashed by 9:30, to be found snoring soundly into own vomit come tea-time

Regardless of what you do this C-Sunday, be it tyrannizing local taxpayers and their dogs, or deciding to lock yourself inside a small room to catalogue the damp- these are without doubt the exact five people you will certainly and exclusively meet at some point or another during the day.

1. The Julius

There’s a Julius in every college. Will do absolutely anything to win the love, affection and support of their peers, even if it involves downing a half pint of neat vodka, or betraying the Republic. Bed-sheet toga, ‘accidental’ nip-slip. Bit of a tryhard and probably best avoided.

2. The Guy from ‘Planet of the Apes’

‘They say you are what you eat, but I don’t remember eating a flippin’ LEGEND’. Strongbow with Weetabix, smashed by 9:30, to be found snoring soundly into own vomit come tea-time. Tendency to climb things when drunk. Bit of a tryhard and probably best avoided.

3. The Salad Dressing: Pale and Wet

Mixes mayonnaise with ketchup and thinks it’s haute-cuisine. Tends to bottle up feelings, but not afraid to get personal after a few. Clinger-on, always accompanies the main event. Bit of a tryhard and probably best avoided.

4. The Caesar Augustus Rodney Total Renegade

Farts and owns up to it. Says they’re there for the ‘lols’, but the only time they’ve been known to laugh is at the ending of Marley and Me. Flits from group to group. Identity a mystery (somebody’s dad?). Bit of a tryhard and probably best avoided.

5. Czar

Graduated last year, but keeps coming back for more. Says he goes by ‘Tsar’ these days, but nobody’s having any of it. Jokes about Communism ‘actually aren’t funny, guys’. Says he knows a guy who knows a guy. Probably smoking a spliff made out of his Mum’s teabags. Bit of a tryhard and probably best avoided.