Content Notes: sexual assault and rape

I sometimes wish I was capable of casual sex. More casual. Casual-er sex. The one night stand sex my friends tell me about, where you’re not completely sure you know their name and you do the stride of pride in the morning with a smile on your face and their number 100% NOT saved in your phone as “Tinder Tom.” If you read my last column, you will probably be able to guess that sex is not as easy for me as it can be for some people who like to be involved in hookups and casual sex.

Student culture and online dating culture places sex on such a pedestal that it can feel alienating when the social norm doesn’t work for you. That could be for any number of reasons, maybe because you don’t like hook-ups, or like me, because of your past experiences of trauma. However, I do have semi-casual sex, I’m not celibate, it is possible! This is my take on enjoying sex after assault. My advice isn’t gospel, but over the years I’ve developed a few strategies which work for me.

"Student culture and online dating culture places sex on such a pedestal that it can feel alienating when the social norm doesn’t work for you"

I choose my partners carefully

Although there is a joke among my friends that I will sleep with anyone who looks like Harry Potter (i.e., dark hair and round glasses) and is a socialist, I actually like to choose partners very carefully, and make sure our politics (socialism) are in line before I let myself be at my most vulnerable. I generally bring up a current news story about sexual assault or consent and gauge their reaction, and if it’s anything other than ideal, I steer clear! (And no Tories.)

Before

I’ve tried not talking about it, and found that it makes me tense during sex and therefore more likely to panic. So, I like to warn people that sometimes things get too intense and I have to stop, and if that happens, it’s nothing to do with them! Ideally, this chat happens in a non-sexual situation, so that I haven’t spent the twenty minutes before sex thinking about my trauma. Recently, someone told me that they thought having sex with me wasn’t what was best for me. While this is annoying because I don’t like having decisions about my body made for me, I respect that for some people, considering their partner’s trauma isn’t the kind of sex they want to be having. Not everyone is sympathetic and willing to work with me, and that’s okay!

During

Sometimes, I panic, or I dissociate, or I’m just not able to get in the moment and enjoy myself. For any of these reasons, sex stops. If I’ve panicked, I find need to be alone for a few minutes to calm down. Sometimes, it helps to talk about other things. Someone once asked me to talk them through all the books on my bookshelf, and why they’re there. Another time, they asked me which was my favourite Harry Potter film and why. It doesn’t need to be heavy, and sometimes I don’t speak right away, but it really helps to get my head out of whatever mental rabbit hole I’ve fallen into. I also really try to focus on being present; not necessarily by focusing on how my body feels, because that can trigger me further, but by thinking about what’s going on – where am I? What can I see, smell, taste? Is there a song in my head at the moment? (There always is, and it’s always ABBA.)

If you’re in a similar situation to me, I’m sure you’ll have your own mindfulness or grounding techniques; if not, there are loads of really good ones online, and here are a few suggestions:

• 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The five senses exercise: 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste.
• Listing. List your top 5 favourite colours in order, your favourite foods, songs or walking locations.
• You could download a mindfulness or meditation app such as Calm, if you don’t feel like you’ll be able to lead yourself through an exercise (totally normal if you’re feeling overwhelmed!)

Alternatively, maybe consider making an appointment with the University Counselling Service to get some professional help, tips and guidance – there’s a specific Sexual Assault and Harrassment Advisor for people who have struggled with things such as this. In general, I can never recommend therapy enough!

After

Sometimes, it’s awkward. It can be distressing to have someone stop sex (and at worst, get visually upset). People don’t always know what to say or how to react. People are just people. I try to reaffirm that it’s not anyone’s fault, and this won’t happen every time, just for whatever reason, today is not my day. And if they don’t want to sleep with me again, that’s their choice, and it’s perfectly reasonable for them to make that.

Most importantly, I remind myself that this is just a minor setback. I get stronger every day. While I may never be completely better, I find people who respect and understand me. One day, this will be easier. If you also struggle with this, remember you’re not alone, and there are steps you can take to make sex slightly easier. And if you’re not at the point where you can even consider sex yet, work on yourself. There is no time limit on your recovery. You are strong and brave and brilliant.