This year, I became a college mum, and needed advice from the best mum I know.

Michelle Obama was busy, so I went to Mrs Collins.

Best thing about being a mum?

“Okay… we’re going to struggle there… yep… still struggling.”

…Best thing about being my mum?

“Your hair?”

Okay, worst thing about being a mum?

“Worrying about your children and how they are, whether they’re going to achieve their goals, whether they’re going to live through Saturday night. The primary bit of being a parent is worrying. We’ve just come through the teenage years. Everybody says ‘ooh the teenage years are really hard’ and you’re like ‘nah mate, I’ve got it sorted,’ and you really don’t.”

Were you a difficult teenager?

“I was a dream. Basically didn’t leave the house until I was 17. My parents had me on a tight rein.”

Has that influenced your parenting?

“Not really. I realise that you’re not an extension of me. What you want is different to what I want. I mean… We’re both a bit stroppy. A bit mad. But then you have aspects of Dad’s personality too, you’re more driven. I’m more chilled than you, aren’t I? Don’t you think? I’ve forgotten the question.”

Let’s do a new one. How should you discipline children?

“Boundaries and consequences. Two things you never had. Which made you a bit spoilt. In that modern way of spoiling people. You don’t have to take responsibility for anything.”

I take responsibility for things!

“Like what?”

My work… tidying up after myself...?

“Actual lies.”

Stop shaming me! Other tips for college parents?

“It’s important to remember that people might have been through things before you’ve met them. If you’ve stalked them online, what people put on Facebook is all happy stuff. You don’t put yourself looking miserable on Facebook. Unless you’re a goth.

“It’s important to listen, instead of just telling them what to do.”

Are you a good listener?

“I think I am.”

I think you are.

“But I’m a bit black and white. I think if you do what I tell you, then we’ll solve this problem, but sometimes I forget you’re an independent adult capable of human thought, and you might not agree with me.”

What kind of parent will I be?

“I think you’re going to be like your dad. If they don’t work you’ll be like ‘well it’s your own fault you’re stressed.’”

I won’t!

“And if they get upset you’ll give them chocolate.”

What about working with Bea (my college wife)?

“Work together. Children might divide you and try and manipulate you into good/bad cop. Well, your father chooses to be bad cop, because he’s like Victorian Dad. Weird.

“Anyway, be on the same page – no mixed messages. Just listen to them. Are there any rules about confidentiality?”

I haven’t been told any.

“Well, say your college child comes to you with a problem, then it’s important to ask them what they want to do and tell them who they can talk to about it. At work (she works in student support at a university) we keep stuff confidential unless we regard them as being a danger to themselves or others.”

People joke about getting with their college kids. D’you think that affects the role? Jokes about sharking freshers?

“That’s what they’re for.”

Mum!

“Joking! As long as it’s consensual… Freshers are different now as well, more informed. Being a college parent… If you’re going to do it properly, it’s like a mentoring scheme, but it’s informal and hopefully self-polices – which is presumably why there’s two of you. I don’t know if people abuse the system. But you’d hope colleges would deal with it.”

Someone should look into it.

“They should. Maybe some people take it less seriously… D’you actually have any male heterosexual friends?”

Yes – [Male]!

“You only know about it from a female perspective. Does [Male] cry to his college dad? Does his college dad thump him on the arm and say, ‘go play rugby?’ Do lads sit down and have a chat when they’re homesick? I think they should.”

Maybe there should be some guidelines?

“I just think you should have access to a resource. Like CALM? For men talking to each other? There should be a college parental resource. Links!

“You should be guided by your child. If they don’t want anything to do with you – fine. I think probably one of the nice bits about being a college parent is seeing people come in – like when you started, you were a bit useless, and now you’re like… looking forward to going back to Cambridge… Yeah.

“Was that helpful?”

NB: The original transcription of this interview was five pages long. Cutting it down involved a serious assault on my mum’s colourful turns of phrase, and also getting rid of a bit where she dragged me for not knowing what day the bin goes out