“Why wait for the university to review your exam answers, when you can go off and review its courts?”

Words of wisdom, even if I say so myself. With three days of Japanese tests creeping up on me, I decided to cave in to the invisible outcry for part two of the Violet Review of Cambridge College Courts.

Robinson – The Dystopia

You might think Churchill would warrant the dystopian title by, well, looking like a place where all architecture has gone to die, but at least it has nice outdoors-y merits like grass, open air, and space between the buildings, even if it comes with a slight fishbowl effect. Oh no, the real dystopia comes from Robinson. Like some of the other more, um, modern takes on courts, I’m not sure if the notion of ‘quad’ or ‘court’ is really applicable to red brick upon red brick, upon ­– you guessed it – red brick. I guess red brick really did it for the architect, but the message would’ve come across with fewer bricks.

Don’t worry about stepping onto grass when hopping into the first ‘court’ because there isn’t any. It’s rather like walking into Blade Runner – just a bit noir and post-apocalyptic all along. A very effective way of deterring people from penetrating the brick any further and into the actually quite non-dystopian garden.

Trinity – The Some Like It Big

“If Trinity is great in its name, Downing Main Court is working on making itself great again”

Watching (or maybe it was just reading the synopsis on Wikipedia) Chariots of Fire, I never really got what the big deal was about running around Trinity Great Court. I guess the clue would’ve been in the name: Great Court is probably the most horizontally and vertically challenged court in Cambridge. Some like it big, but size isn’t everything: Trinity’s greatest misses out on things like consistency – looking around it, you see a bit of a pick ‘n’ mix of buildings, healthy proportions (the fountain is a bit small to be a centerpiece) and visitor friendliness. Stop for a second and lose that lost-student look, and you’ll be dodging porters flicking their steel-rimmed bowler hats at you. Some say quirky, but I say lacking in anything to make it iconic. I mean there’s a reason for why the Great Court run was filmed in Eton.

Downing – The Ivy League

If Trinity is great in its name, Downing Main Court is working on making itself great again. Once the visitor has recovered from overdosing on neoclassicism, they will be struck by the stereotypically Ivy League–esque touch that Main Court has to it. More lawn than library, Downing is perfect for building up that college athlete look – one can’t but help to ask where the baseball players and cheerleaders are hiding. Just as Eton could fake it as Trinity in Chariots of Fire, if Downing ever runs out of its conferencing income, it has a bright future ahead of it as ‘Generic American College’ – IMBD credits, here we come!

Peterhouse – The Oh-Look-Who’s-SO-CUTE!

Peterhouse’s Old Court has opted for a rather more compact look than the Trinity’s and Downing’s. It may not be as great in size, but in other aspects its performance is top-notch. With flower pots in windows, not a tourist deterrent or a practical but oh-so-style-cramping bin in sight, Old Court has the same effect on visitors as a stranger’s baby on spawny people in the street – ‘Oh look who’s SO CUTE!’

It may be a miniature model of a college but it just makes you drool a bit: “Awwh aren’t you adorable!” “Where’s Daddy? Can you see Daddy?” “Oooh look who’s a big boy!” I wouldn’t be surprised if the latter echoed in Adonian dinners as well.

Dystopia, drool-inducer, wannabe-America. I mean, if reviewing courts for a blog won’t land me that dream job at The Guardian, I don’t know what will