Labour have revealed their manifesto for the 2017 general election, and it comes with a massive shock. Labour have promised a massive increase in healthcare spending to the tune of around £8 billion which the Conservatives have previously claimed as impossible to fund without major tax increases.

Today, Violet can exclusively reveal how Labour intends to fund this pledge: a massive ransomware hack-attack on the NHS.

Holding an institution which you’re trying to save up for ransom does appears counter-intuitive, but then so does reverting to economic policies abandoned in the 1980s. Violet sat down with Ron Some, a Labour Party spokesman to discuss the interesting strategy.

“We thought this was an ingenious scheme,” Ron told Violet, “because we could kill two birds with one stone. We’ve blocked the NHS computers from functioning and demanded ransom payment to fix it – which is clever because now we’ll have the money to fund our manifesto pledge – and because they’ve had all their computers broken, we’ve basically put the NHS on pause. Literally, they can’t do anything without their computer systems. Think of all the money that they’ll save on operations that people probably don’t need anyway.”

Asked why the Labour Party chose to then expand the hack globally, Ron admitted that it was a bit of a mistake. “You see, Diane Abbott was in charge of this particular hacking job. She was doing the programming of the virus and, well, she got a little confused with the numbers. It’s nothing major, I think Telefonica was affected, and so was FedEx. But honestly, the Labour Party has nothing against FedEx.

“‘Diane Abbott was in charge of this particular hacking job. She was doing the programming of the virus and, well, she got a little confused with the numbers’”

“Diane also said something about this making her mark as Shadow Home Secretary. I think she was jealous that Theresa May had the Snooper’s Charter when she was Home Secretary, so Diane wanted her own blatantly ill-informed internet policy.”

Violet then asked Ron what Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn thought of the hack attack. “Jezza? Oh Jezza loves it. He says this ransom virus is a great way to prove that Labour isn’t stuck in the 1970s – we’re totally engaged with the modern.”

Earlier on in the day Violet had met with a Conservative Party spokeswoman, who gave us this statement about the hacking: “It’s excellent. A strong and stable ransomware attack is just what Britain needs, and that’s just what Theresa May provides. Oh, wait - it’s not by Theresa? Oh. In which case, don’t vote for Labour because their ransomware attacks are a coalition of chaos.”

When I told Ron about this comment he laughed, took a sip of his soya milk, and gave a contented smile as if all was right with the world. He had clearly risen up in the Labour Party from Momentum. “That’s classic Tory spin. You know, I think Diane managed to take out the Conservative Party computers too.” Rumours have indeed been circulating that the Conservative Party may also have been affected by the Ransomware attack, however since their electoral campaign is doing nothing and Theresa May hasn’t been seen outside since calling the election, Violet has no way to confirm the veracity of Ron’s account.

Fake News: World leaders meet for dictatorship summit

In the wider world of British politics, the various parties have given mixed responses to the cyber-attack. A spokesperson for the Liberal Democrats said that they would like to have commented, but Tim Farron was busy blazing the sweet, sweet ganja he wants to legalise. Meanwhile Paul Nuttal used the incident to call for an expansion of troop numbers within the UK military, promising to fight the hackers on the beaches, before invading France because they’re French, and then hopefully regaining Britain’s glorious empire.

The Green Party declined to comment because they have never heard of the internet and were concerned it may not be organic enough for them