*A COLUMN WRITTEN WHEN DRUNK*

The landmark event of the calendar year occurred in early April: Victoria’s Secret’s ‘The 2017 What is Sexy? List’. As the name so adeptly suggests, this is a list of the sexiest sexy things ever to sex up the sexcinity (I may have had a drink).

Upon reading this list, I have come to a well thought out conclusion: it is WEAK.

Sexiest city: Palm Springs, Sexiest Entertainer: Taylor Swift... the boredom goes on. Victoria’s Secret seem to have taken the word ‘sexy’ and twisted it to mean ‘beachy hair and uncomfortably symmetrical face’ (and yes that applies to Palm Springs too). In lieu of this aggressive snore-fest of sexlessness, I have accumulated my own version and intend to send it over to Victoria’s Secret ASAP so they can sort out their shambolic excuse for a sex-list. Get Gigi Hadid on the phone, I’m reinventing sex (okay, yes, I have definitely been drinking).

“Victoria’s Secret seem to have taken the word ‘sexy’ and twisted it to mean ‘beachy hair and uncomfortably symmetrical face’”

Sexiness is an interesting concept. It dates back to the olden days. Probably. Most things do. Some background detail. Sexiness was invented by Christopher Marlowe in the late 1500s. As a concept it took off quickly, much like fibre optic broadband or the nutribullet. There was a slight decline in net sex appeal during the early 2000s when Justin Timberlake had frosted tips, we but all got over that pretty quickly when he brought sexy back. Since then, sexiness has become somewhat of a taboo subject. Something that you’re just supposed to understand. Like a cult. But without all the dying, unless it’s in a Victorian euphemism kind of way, in which case you can die multiple times in a night.

Anyway.

A LIST OF THINGS (INFINITELY) MORE SEXY THAN WHAT VICTORIA’S SECRET THINKS IS SEXY

Smoking in black and white.

Talking in French.

Playing double bass.

Getting off a bike before it’s stopped moving.

Lucifer, Prince of Darkness.

Erika Linder

Erika Linder’s hair.

Erika Linder’s right eyebrow.

The word ‘subtle’.

Doing that thing Antonio Banderas does when he signs his initials with a sword.

Doing basically anything with a sword.  

SMASHING THE PATRIARCHY.

SMASHING THE PATRIARCHY… with a sword.

The European Union. Oh. Wait.

Artificial Intelligence.

Comfortable knickers.

Tom Hardy reading bed-time stories (look it up).

*Intermission as I am brought a further disproportionately large glass of prosecco*

Sharks.

George Clooney, but in a dress. (Kate Collins: straight when drunk?)

Matt LeBlanc (so I’ve heard, but he looks a bit like my uncle so I’m not commenting on this one).

Every single person who has ever worked in Wagamamas. They seem to have a sex quota.

Astrophysics.

Houseboats.

Having sex. Sexy? Sometimes. Sometimes having sex. Or not having sex. Grey area.

Just being nice.

Overuse of parentheses. Sexy, sexy grammar.

Can you find the fake news from these real Varsity headlines?

At this point I’ve had too much prosecco to list further things that I think are sexy. You’re all sexy. It’s not hard. Just put on some fishnets and make a face that looks a bit like you need a wee but you don’t want anyone to know.

Tune in next week when my column will not be written when pissed*.

*Probably. No promises