Sitting alone in my room eye to eye with a quivering lump of white fat on a teaspoon is not really the activity I anticipated enjoying at university. But here I am, all in the name of food science (well, kinda), ready to get teeth white enough to rival Meghan Trainor dancing in a pumpkin-spiced-latte-patterned suit.

Coconut oil: the godsend, all-hailed, heralded saint of the beauty world.

There’s nothing that a good dose of the nut can’t cure – parched hair, flaky skin, stubborn eye-makeup, world conflict, the upcoming general election, Trump. Nothing can compete with the good stuff.

“For me at least, sitting with a gob full of fat for nearly half an hour doesn’t really seem enticing”

This is why I’m here, half kilo jar of fat in hand, ready to challenge the ongoing oil pulling fad. Oil pulling is the process of swishing gloopy oil around your mouth for 20 minutes. It is praised for reducing bacteria, preventing cavities, removing toxins from your mouth and remedying bad breath. Thanks to Insta-celebs like Gwyneth Paltrow, Bella Thorne and Kylie Jenner, the practice has recently become popular again. Though, it must be noted that – as with so many things – white people aren’t the innovators of this trend, with ‘kavala’ or ‘gundusha’, originating as an ancient Ayurvedic dental technique.

Coconut oil has a whirlwind of supposed benefits – it only takes a quick Google search to find hundreds of testimonies claiming cures for acne, hangover, headaches and psoriasis. It is naturally antiseptic and anti-fungal, and for some skin-types works wonders for hydration. Lately, it has been most lauded for its teeth whitening properties. There’s nothing that coconut oil can’t achieve in the eyes of its most dedicated lovers.

Yet, for me at least, sitting with a gob full of fat for nearly half an hour doesn’t really seem enticing. It seems even less enticing as I scoop a solidified chunk of coconut oil from the jar. And it seems even LESS enticing as I place said milky chunk into my mouth. Sinking your teeth into cold butter and feeling the fat agonizingly slowly melt and pool around your tongue in an oily death caress is not the greatest of experiences to say the least. To speed up the melting process, I begin to chew the seeping mass. It is pretty vile - it takes every fibre of strength not to spew it across my room and retire to my normal yellow-toothed, cavity-ridden life.

The Cereal Offender: One final spoonful

As the oil becomes fully liquid, it becomes easier to handle, and I swirl it between my teeth like a tasteless mouthwash. The only awareness I have of its uncomfortable oiliness is when it oozes slightly onto my lips, but the coconut aroma is not entirely unpleasant. In the ensuing twenty minutes I realise two crucial things:

1) Twenty minutes is a really, really long time

2) Coconut oil doubles in size as it collects saliva and toxins

Trust me, a busting chop full of bacteria-ridden oil isn’t a nice thing to start pondering.

“There is an elevated sheen or lacquer to my gnashers and gums (though maybe just gleaming grease playing tricks), and the slight yellowing is definitely lighter.”

I watch the final seconds tick down to freedom, and as the timer beeps I spew the opaque, almost foamy liquid into a glass to examine my handiwork. Nothing revolutionary (no little toxins snarling back at me as I had fancifully imagined) – in fact, I am more preoccupied by the residual grease which coats my mouth in a sickly, nutty smothering.

I swill my mouth with water and then fervently brush my teeth. And, to my surprise, my teeth do look noticeably brighter! There is an elevated sheen or lacquer to my gnashers and gums (though maybe just gleaming grease playing tricks), and the slight yellowing is definitely lighter. My teeth do look better, whiter and shinier.

Fresh from my riveting adventure, here’s some quick advice for those planning to try oil pulling:

• DON’T swallow the oil. Spit it, preferably in a bin rather than down a drain where it could collect and clog.

• DON’T use this as a substitute for regularly cleaning your teeth (I know students are known for laziness but really now).

• DON’T use a tablespoon as some websites recommend – the oil expands far too much for this to be comfortable.

• DO melt the coconut oil if you (like me) can’t stand the idea of chewing some oozing grease for a few minutes – it was the most repulsive sensation, I would not recommend.

• DO oil pull when you have uninterrupted spare time – this isn’t something you can do if you’re going to be disturbed.

• DO take before and after photos – this, rather stupidly, did not cross my mind and I regret not being able to showcase the results.

• DO repeat the process for the best results – most gurus endorse repeated usage for best results; my effects faded after eating coloured foods such as curries and dark fruits.

I will be the first to admit this could all be some delusional placebo effect, yet the results I saw were unquestionably worth the cheap and simple pulling process