When I was younger, it was far clearer what it meant to be ‘cool’ than it is today. ‘Cool’ was light-up trainers and a baseball cap on backwards. ‘Cool’ was fingerless gloves and being able to do a Rubik’s Cube (or at least get two sides).

“The activity in the coolness centres of my brain went off the charts”

Then, in a startling plot twist, ‘cool’ fell out of fashion. ‘Uncool’ became ‘cool’. Geek chic sparked excitement and abhorrence in equal measure as people were becoming so achingly uncool that the government had to declare a state of international coolness emergency.

And now, in a further mildly-but-not-really-interesting reversal, coolness seems to be making a comeback. Bored with hipsters and kale, we’ve once again set the spheres of coolness in motion. The sweet celestial music of ice-cold edginess is ringing through the cosmos. However, it is a jungle out there. Luckily for you, reader, I’ve done extensive research into the field of cool. I’ve had a long hard think (thinking, by the way – totally cool) and I’ve devised a quick, idiot’s guide to being cool.

1. Don’t be straight 

Heterosexuality isn’t cool. Obviously. I mean, I’ve never tried it, but it looks like hard work, and the number one thing you notice about coolness, is that it’s effortless.

2. Don’t wear skinny jeans

This might be a personal bias, but in my first ever biology lesson in secondary school, my teacher told us that skinny jeans lowered your sperm count. It was probably the only thing to stick with me from Key Stage 3, and now, whenever I see a bloke in denim tights, I want to rush over to him and shout, “THINK OF YOUR SWIMMERS!”

If history is anything to go by, people think it’s cool if you’ve got the capacity to sire a proliferation of spawn. What’s cooler than one you? Lots of little yous.

3. Have an accent

Any accent.

4. Get a tattoo

As a tattooed person, I can confirm that as soon as that needle stuck into my skin, the activity in the coolness centres of my brain went off the charts. Or it could have just been overheating from the infection, but now I’ve got ink, and so there’s an indisputable intersection in the Venn diagram of similarities between me and Mike Tyson.

5. Have a nickname 

People who have nicknames exude cool. They ooze cool from every orifice. You have to be pretty cool to be too cool for your own name. I have never in my life been cool enough to have a nickname. I’ve never even been cool enough to know anyone who had a nickname. My parents (ultimately cooler than me) have known people called Rocket, Berge (short for Bergerac – he was from the Channel Islands), Widge and so on. If you’ve been blessed with a nickname, you’ve made it.

6. Give Kate her own radio podcast/talk show

This may be just a little bit directed at the Editor, and I have no idea if Danny Wittenberg has the power to do such a thing on sweet, innocent Violet, but come on, we all want one.

Big Mouth: Are women funny?

That’s it, reader, I’ve given you the six secrets of coolness. (Six, because to be cool is to be unexpected and avant-garde, and six isn’t one of your usual list numbers, like three, five or ten.)

Of course, true coolness cannot be taught. It’s an essence, sweeter than vanilla and less wanky than almond. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean that you can’t learn some of the tricks of the trade. The fact is, reader, some people are born cool, some people achieve coolness, and some people have coolness thrust upon them