Football managers are a weird breed. When Louis van Gaal was manager of Bayern Munich, he wanted to prove to his players that he had the balls to drop any of them, and he did so by literally showing them his balls. He also looks like a thumb.

Luciano Spalletti has recently been appointed manager of Roma for the second time. His last managerial stint at Zenit St. Petersburg is probably best remembered for the time he celebrated winning the Russian title by running around the pitch topless in sub-zero conditions.

Arsène Wenger, meanwhile, would never do such a thing. He’s much more likely to make the point that associating male sexual organs with courage is typical of the patriarchy’s attempt to monopolize certain virtues. The man thinks. In a recent interview with French magazine L’Equipe, he reflected whimsically that only the present can yield happiness, because “the past holds only regrets, the future only worries.” Very much the words of a “specialist in failure”, or so Mourinho would say.

The former Chelsea boss didn’t do so well this season, but we’re sure that he’s sure that he’s still “a special one,” not “one of the bottle,” whatever that means. Maybe a poorly translated Portuguese idiom? An alcoholic’s cry for help? Attempts to become the “happy one” certainly petered out this season.

More disturbing psychological questions hang over Brendan Rogers, who has a greyscale portrait of himself in his own living room. Likewise, Roy Keane, whose wildly staring eyes are like portals to a world of hate and anger, where Roy and ‘other Roy’ can live in happiness.

Some managers are a bit chirpier. Ian Holloway always amuses, in a sort of avuncular, farmery man-in-pub way, and Big Sam’s a laugh. Especially when he declares that he wants to manage AC Milan. Just as wacky was Andre Villas-Boas (pictured), for his distinctive, constipation-inspired stance on the touchline. Reports he is having his poise patented so far remain unconfirmed. If the managers of the minor leagues decry bias towards Premier League outifts, they always have the F.A. Cup to show off their eccentricities. Remember Exeter manager Paul Tisdale’s distinctive fedora when his side faced Liverpool?

And we’ll always lap it up. Managers remain the only mavericks in an increasingly professionalised sport. We’re like those seagulls that follow trawlers. Speaking of, someone should definitely appoint Cantona manager.