Why did the tomato blush? Yes, okay, everyone knows the punchline– if you don’t, it’s thigh-slappingly hilarious and can be found on websites called things like www.reallybadjokesthatnoonebutletticefranklinfindsfunny.com – but my entire motivation for writing this appropriately-named column was the chance to include this joke. Furthermore, I can suggest an alternate answer, that will, I hope, make the joke almost excusable: because it found itself, like me this week, writing an incredibly saucy (and no longer safely tomato saucy...) column in a student newspaper.

This was never what I intended. I was intoxicated by my editor’s wide smiles and the word ‘column’. I am a column addict. I want to marry Tim Dowling, perhaps move on to an affair with Robert Crampton who seems like he’d be up for it, and then when all is discovered and my life dissolves into chaos, be rescued by Jon Ronson, with his reassuringly rhyming name and wit and charm and, and... I could’nt resist a seemingly small step towards these heroes in the lofty cosmos of the Sunday papers.

I had moments of panic – would I descend a slippery slope and devote inches to who was seen snogging who beside the Van of Life? – but my editors assured me that I was to write about the Week’s News, the serious News. I would not be "Belle du Jour" or Carrie Bradshaw.

The problem is that, this week, the serious News is literally all about sex. Even my Google Literary Quote of the Day highbrow Trollope, had the colour of a lads’ magazine: ‘Dance with a girl three times, and if you like the light of her eye and the tone of voice with which she, breathless, answers your little questions...then take the leap in the dark.’ Cambridge seems to have woken up to 2011 a new woman, sluttier and gathering rosebuds while it may, left, right and centre, and according to Keith Willox, bursar of Sidney Sussex, on college doorsteps. Offering shelter from a snowstorm, one porter gave me a guided CCTV tour. "You’d never believe what we see on our cameras…Things go on here" Flash to dark,alleyway, "Annnd here." Pan to secluded steps, "And..." Dramatic pause. "EVEN HERE" And there is the postcard-weary central court of famous and historic college. In similarly illustrious venue, the seats of the Union debating chamber formerly held by Churchill and Roosevelt, are to be filled by porn star, Johnny Anglais, and porn director, Anna Span, arguing that ‘pornography does a good public service’. Gosh.

The Gala bingo hall on 42 Hobson Street was also faced with a tarting up as No Saints Ltd. presented plans for a cabaret club, complete with five dancers - the ‘Resident Dollz’, whose costumes cost ‘in excess of’ £25,000. The Council has resisted the lust epidemic and rejected the company’s plans. Head of the company, multi-millionare Stephen Thomas stated defensively: "It is not a disco. What we are talking about is a revelation in the leisure industry."

Thomas clearly understands the power of a theme – ‘Saints’, ‘a revelation’ – if this was found in some well-thumbed novel in the English Faculty Library, these words would definitely have been underlined and "RELIGION!!" written rebelliously in the margin. Perhaps Thomas has already checked out the University Library’s exhibition celebrating the 400th anniversary of the King James Bible. You would think, wouldn’t you, that here, in a LIBRARY, in an EXHIBITION, about BIBLES, that one might escape the smell of sex in the air. Na huh – the star of the Resident Biblez, if you will, is a copy of the 1631 ‘Wicked Bible’ which contains the phrase "thou shalt commit adultery", as the printers "accidentally" omitted the word "not".

Maths too,it turns out,is chart-toppingly sexy, as Cambridge’s Stephen Hawking is voted British Bloke of the Year in Nuts. Hawking apparently responded: "Thanks, Nuts. I’m pleased to hear I’m Britain’s favourite ‘Nut’!" Can this be true? Is Hawking’s mind so untinged by the smut infecting Cambridge, can the man who understands what the Black Hole paradox is, and may actually have solved it, miss the pa-retty basic sexual innuendo of Nuts’ name?

Cambridge itself entered a bit of a Black Hole this Wednesday when 2,400 households lost power. Given the premature Spring fever hitting the city, one suspects that, as libraries’ lighting dimmed, Sainsbury’s shoppers bonded in stilled queues, and unexpected lunch breaks stretched luxuriously from 11.26 to 2ish, that somewhere, someone followed Trollope’s advice and took the leap in the dark.