Gonville & Caius: Laughable Leadership
While the competition for the position of GCSU president this week was fiercely contested, there was a nagging sense that one aspiring leader may have been extracting the piddle. Their manifesto suggested, amongst a raft of slightly dubious  plans, the burial of nuclear waste under Gonville Court, and the annexation of King’s College as “lebensraum”. Thankfully the people spoke in favour of another, altogether more suitable candidate, and the college remains safe from cruel tyranny for at least another year.

Bridge Street: A star appearance?
Pulses were sent fluttering down by the Quayside as fading Hollywood heart-throb Steven Seagal was spotted walking towards Magdalene Bridge. High-kicking Seagal, who has apparently described the production of his recent straight-to-DVD projects (such as Out for a Kill, and Today You Die) as “beyond vulgar”, was nevertheless seen trying to go incognito. Perhaps aware of the risk of being placed under siege by his legions of female fans, the star apparently donned a stylish poncho to hide his distinguished features.

St. John’s: Fear and voting
As has been reported elsewhere, this year’s Cambridge Model European Council was attacked by “model terrorists”, protesting against the Common Agricultural Policy. But the full psychological horror of the event can only be imagined with the revelation that one of the masked raiders was CUSU’s foremost shock-haired democrat. This is clearly a level of terror unseen before in the United Kingdom, and we can only hope that the University adopt indefinite internment of the culprit. How else will budding bureaucrats be able to sleep at night?

Department of Medicine: Toilet-block tuition
A first year student, availing herself of the facilities following a particularly lengthy lecture, was shocked by what she found in her chosen cubicle. Displaying a shocking disregard for both clinical exactitude, and basic hospital hygiene, she flung open the door to reveal a pair of fellow students experimenting in what can best be described as amateur proctology. While the couple’s commitment to evidence-based medicine is admirable, we can’t help but feel that some learning experiences are best conducted in private.

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