St John’s: A fluid linguist

A French and Spanish student, normally known for a manner both studious and aloof, lost all sense of place and purpose after a boozy Valentine’s Day feast. Returning to his room with an eager young Classicist in tow, he sadly misdirected his romantic inclinations. She could only look on, appalled, as the boy, described by his friends as “strictly Caledonian”, casually debagged himself and proceeded to urinate all over his desk, drenching his smart laptop. Prodding him with a handy lacrosse stick, she made ever more desperate entreaties that he desist. “Stop peeing! What are you doing?” “Go away”, was his gruff dismissal. The shocked Parthenon enthusiast awoke with only a vague recollection of the night’s unhappy denouement and convinced herself that it had been but a disturbing nightmare. Alas, her soggiest fears were confirmed when the sobered linguist discovered that his once-crisp Spanish essay had suffered grievously under his ill-advised nocturnal emission. Our spy understands that he was nonplussed by this development and submitted his original draft for consideration, unrevised.

Guildhall: Not quite damned

The Christian Union’s Cross Examined campaign has already come under the scrutiny of Spies’ beady eyes and this week it made a less than seasonal contribution to one student’s Valentine’s Day celebrations. Two graduates, concerned at prevailing Babylonian tendencies in their former college, delivered a stern warning to a young man oft noted for his enthusiastic approach to romance, informing him they were “worried about the state of his soul at present”.

Ballare: Food for thought

Thoroughly the worse for wear at a well known drinking venue, a stripey chump mistook some inconveniently placed talcum powder for fishfood and gave a nearby fish a generous double portion. It died. Later on, his ignominious expulsion was announced by the DJ at Ballare and he awoke to find his bed soaked in pungent vomit.