Scorpio: Big birthday chapter for you, Scorpio! You’re not a social butterfly, and we wonder how you’ll spend it — a big part of you wants to retire to your bedquarters and rot away watching Call the Midwife. Your friends need a mid-term break just as badly as you, though — be bold and get everyone together. You’ll feel better for it, and we’ll thank you for it when we see you at the pub.

Sagittarius: Unexpected expenses are heading your way this week, Sagg, so be cautious of the Circuit Laundry app. You know how much it makes you want to throw your phone at the wall of that horrid laundry room, sorrow and rage abound, when you’re charged twice for Perm Press Dry (what does that even mean) — so mark our words, it can wait another week. Trust your humble Varsity astrologers, you will be swindled once again if you tempt fate.

Capricorn: Capricorn, It’s time for a new look. You become stuck in your very old and established ways and assume that you always know best. It’s time to be more flexible. Get a new look: ditch those jeans you’ve had since year 12 and start a new phase of your life. You can’t hold on to the past. 

Aquarius: We’re going to be honest, this week isn’t likely to be a highlight of the term for you, Aquarius. But a Varsity blind date might just change that! Meeting someone new, even if friendship is meant to be, could spice up your Week 6 social schedule a little. Life starts outside your comfort zone, sultry Aquarius… you’re not too cool for that ominous purple Google form. Send over your details, and we might just be sending you off to an Honest Burger near you.

Pisces: Remember that friend you made in first year, the one you chatted about everything with and then suddenly, they fell off the map? Get back in touch. Weird smiles in Mainsbury’s shouldn’t cut it for your whole time in Cambridge. There’s a reason you made friends in the first place — why not ask them to go for coffee — something tells us they’re in need of someone reaching out to them.

Aries: Darling, use your fire for something good. We all know that your degree is driving you up the wall so why not take on a new extra-curricular activity. Try something new and daring. I hear the fives team may be perfect for you and you’ll even get a half blue if you make it onto the team. Mull it over; it’s boring only committing to your degree, and heaven knows you’ve never been boring. 

Taurus: You’re our materialistic, slightly passive-aggressive icon, Taurus. We know you’re growing weary of the mess in the kitchen, and don’t your flatmates know it! Get back down to earth, Taurus — this is student living at its grubbiest. But if you’re called to take a stand (and perhaps you should…) against the two-month-old Tupperwares and the grotty sponges just vibing in the sink, remember to use kind words.

Gemini: You’ve been questioning your entire life this week, Gemini! Week 5 blues has been getting to you, and it’s got you deeping whether you really should have pressed confirm on UCAS all those many moons ago. You’re drawn back into the past, to a time of Saturday mornings at home with your family, a time before pidges and plodges, and there’s no harm in this, but nostalgia is a two-faced friend. You have done remarkably well getting where you are — take a moment to appreciate your growth.

Cancer: Caught you again Cancer. We know you’ve been thinking about your one night stand with a dashing student from Newnham Village. We also know it’s not just a one night stand… perhaps it’s time to make a move? Ask them out to Clare Cellars. It will give off those chill and uncommitted vibes you’re pretending to have. We know you’re catching feelings, but don't worry, your secret's safe with us. 

Leo: It’s difficult to feel like yourself when the days start getting shorter and the sun isn’t shining. The weather has been awful Leo, and we know you thrive in the summer sun. But alas, don’t worry. It is the festive season and we know no one throws a party like you. Invite your friends, new and old, to a party this Saturday. Everyone needs cheering up and you’re just the fellow to do it. 

Virgo: Virgo, please stop getting changed in front of your window. Show yourself some love and shut the curtains: it doesn’t need to be an everyday naked neighbour moment from you. Everyone from King’s Parade to The Hill can see you. Ps. get some new pants — the elastic has snagged on those black ones. 

Libra: Libra, there’s no shame in asking for an essay extension. You are your own boss and your time belongs to you. Struggling over the wording of a sentence isn’t worth it. Being a perfectionist is difficult at Cambridge, but one of the hardest lessons to learn is that no supo essay is perfect. They’re rough and un-ready. Work smart, not hard this week and limit your hours at your desk.