'The Lesser Spotted Female Orgasm' is a very rare breed indeed...Amelia Johnson (Instagram/@meelworm)

​Content Note: This article contains discussion of sex and brief mentions of pornography and related topics.

If talking about sex in general is a big taboo in English society, then talking about the female orgasm is tantamount to stripping naked, covering yourself in whipped cream and screaming the lyrics to ‘God Save The Queen’ by the Sex Pistols at the top of your lungs from the balcony of Buckingham Palace. It is simply not the done thing.

For this very reason, Dear Reader, I have decided to keep my authorial identity a secret, in order to freely discuss the quirks and nuances of sex and intimacy that are so often swept under the rug in our respectable British culture. In order to protect myself from the retribution of furious past lovers, and to preserve my own anonymity as I vividly relive my heartbreakingly humiliating past sexual blunders, I’ve chosen to write under a pseudonym. Personally, I think this is sexy and mysterious in itself. For all you know, I may be your college roommate who, all too frequently, has had to hear a brief creaking of bed springs, shortly followed by an embarrassedly mumbled “I’m sorry babe, maybe next time”, through the thin connecting wall of our college halls.

“Think of me simply as Cambridge’s answer to Jean Milburn in Netflix’s Sex Education.”

I could, too, be your unsatisfied University girlfriend, using Varsity as a medium through which to vent my sexual frustration. The possibilities are endless — that’s the beauty of a hidden identity.

You may instead think of me simply as Cambridge’s answer to Jean Milburn in Netflix’s Sex Education.

Not to brag, but as someone who has had sexual intercourse with, in total, three different people in my limited, and frequently unsuccessful sexual career, I feel confident in doling out completely unfounded advice based on my infrequent, and mostly ill-advised, past sexual escapades (most of which were a product of one too many Tequila Rosés coupled with the omnipresent fear that I’ll never being able to find love). The topic I am keen to uncover today is quite a rare species. You might of heard of it before? It is commonly referred to as ‘The Lesser-Spotted Female Orgasm’.

But before we thrust head first into this topic, let me paint you a picture…

It’s 2019 in a dingy one-bedroom flat in South London; crisp packets line the floor of my soon-to-be-lover’s bedroom — they’re Kettle Chips which tells me he is, indeed, a man of sophistication; a Pulp Fiction poster hangs proudly above the single bed — he too, is a man of culture. As he leaves the room to retrieve a fresh box of lukewarm white wine in order to top up my Sports Direct mug, I hear the sultry opening notes of The Weeknd’s ‘Earned It’ begin to play softly over his portable speaker from a Spotify playlist titled ‘Chilled Vibes’. He returns with my wine and dims the lights. Now, I’m sexually naïve at the best of times, but on this occasion it was clear to me that the tone had been set: it was, almost indubitably, time to get frisky.

On that particularly poorly thought through occasion, upon participating in a certain sexual act I felt, shall we say, less than satisfied. In an effort to avoid coming across as rude (I am Dear Reader, if nothing else, primarily a people pleaser) I suggested politely that this particular gentleman might perhaps adjust his technique; I am a human woman after all, not a stubborn stain on the carpet in desperate need of a good scrubbing.

In answer to my respectful request my lover assertively replied: “Actually, girls like it like this.”

I, myself having been a girl for the past 22 years, and not in fact liking ‘this’, felt naturally perplexed.

Was this man really telling me that ‘girls’ as a species all enjoy this particularly vigorous technique, in spite of my specific announcement that I was feeling less than usually aroused?

Yes, Dear Reader, he was. Because as we all know, men know far better than the woman they’re sleeping with what women like in bed.

Not to stereotype, but this, I think, is a sexual arrogance that would be unlikely to be expressed in the same way by a woman in this scenario. Never in my life, let’s say for example, after receiving feedback on a rather too enthusiastic hand job (I did tell you that I was a people pleaser), did I have the gall to respond with self-assured confidence that “Actually, boys like it like this”.

As a woman, waiting to have an orgasm is often markedly similar to Samuel Beckett’s play ‘Waiting for Godot’; in short, you better bring something to read, because you might be waiting a really long time.

“My less than adequate one night stand had been using porn as a ‘How-To’ guide.”

Porn, I think, is in part to blame. Long gratuitous shots of busty blondes orgasming violently, often from not so much as a mediocre thrust from their male counterpart, has set a precedent among impressionable viewers. Although the majority of watchers are aware that this is commonly sub-par acting on the woman’s part, it seems that my less than adequate one night stand had been using porn as a ‘How-To’ guide.

I’m aware that I write primarily from a heteronormative viewpoint. But I think it is fair to say that I’m not alone in noticing a gender discrepancy in reaching the big ‘O’. According to David Frederick, assistant professor of psychology at Chapman University, generally “All groups of men – gay, bisexual, heterosexual – orgasm more than all groups of women” and “Lesbian women orgasm more often than heterosexual women but less often than men.”

This isn’t to say that women can’t have an orgasm at all, but perhaps to bring attention to the fact that, while certainly possible, the female orgasm is definitely more elusive than, say, the male orgasm.


Mountain View

It’s time to talk about sex

I believe this is partly a product of social factors, and partly biological. Also, it’s important to note that not everyone can, or even desires to, have an orgasm in their adult life, and it is by no way a prerequisite for enjoying sex. Sex is varied and multifaceted, and there is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ technique when it comes to the pursuit of pleasure. Indeed, I feel it important too, to mention that a sexless existence is equally valid, and by no means either wanting or inadequate.

However, generally speaking, the fact remains that the clitoris is widely believed to be the only human organ that has no function apart from to give sexual pleasure. I’m no scientist, but this leads me to believe that women (generally) are meant to feel sexual pleasure. The old adage ‘Lie back and think of England’ just doesn’t cut it anymore.

When a man coming feels like a given, but a woman coming feels like a privilege, perhaps it’s a sign that we as a society need to start talking more about the female orgasm.

So, maybe even if a man tells us that ‘all girls’ like something in bed, in the pursuit of the female orgasm, we girls might be better off trusting our own instincts, and our highly reliable vibrators, if we want to avoid waiting a very long time for one...