Cyris Trynka: Hi there, thanks so much for coming to speak to us today – sorry for being a bit late to the meeting! We’re here to discuss the new ‘Zuck’ Dating App, but first could you give us a brief introduction to yourself?

Fenston Tatler-Gethsemane: I wouldn’t worry about the lateness, I am sure you will do fine. My name is Fenston Vervain Cyril Bartholomew Edwin-Francis Tatler-Gethsemane…

CT: … oh gosh!

FTG: As you can probably tell from the sight of me, I am a genius, by the words of the Right Honourable Dr. Robert Basildon Smith – my fortunate Director of Studies. As such, time for the ladies is limited.

This date itself was quite the imposition – I had to re-allocate thirty minutes from hour twelve of my bi-weekly study schedule. This is something very difficult, for the reputation of one such as I, to acceptably recover from. But I thought this would be an acceptable redivision of labour, were it to increase my chances of later bonking.

CT: Right… well. How did you prepare for the date?

FTG: This was rather the procedure. To begin, clothes. Everyone knows that double-breasted is quite the catch; I think you will find this utterly undisputed. It reminds the viewer that I am both well-styled, and suitably superior. This is a necessary precondition to all dating scenarios.

The real draw, however, is the signet ring. I found this difficult, but I looked through my collection of twenty-seven – all in alphabetical order – and found the best two to wear: that of Clan MacDonlaughlinlandingmenzies, and that of the Earl of Stoke-on-Trent – the most stylish of my collection.

CT: Two?

FTG: Well of course two. It is well-known that one signet ring is a clear symbol of alpha male status, but two is the sign of a sigma male. And I am clearly a sigma, ab mutinium unguibus usque ad verticem summum.

CT: Ab-muti-what ?

FTG: Google translate is there for a reason, darling. Now beyond clothes, we needed to prepare suitable oratorius for the event. I had to get ready for conversation, and conversation is always excruciating with more than one speaker.

In my room, I prepared my collection of Jordan Belfort quotes – all neatly stored for occasions such as this. That one scene in the film where he explains how stocks work, is just amazing – and the ladies love it. You explain stocks, and the stockings come off – it’s guaranteed.

CT: Right. Well could you tell me more about the date itself?

FTG: The date was at ‘Revolution’, which I thoroughly disapproved of. That accursed place promotes socialism, which I simply can’t stand [clenches signet-embossed hand].

Once in the accursed place, I was sad to see that Novichok wasn’t on the menu; that’s not very socialist of them. And likewise, why were they serving food?

Apparently my date would be arriving soon, and I was placed at the bar. The waiter spoke in some funny language – apparently Nottinghamish? – but I managed to order the usual I would get from the treasured 1815 Bar: two cans of Fanta and three lines of coke. I suppose there are some upsides to South American socialism.

CT: What? I can’t even… how long were you waiting?

FTG: I was waiting far too long, so I had time to observe all those around me. There was one couple sitting next to me, talking about their subject – Education. Can you imagine anything more preposterous? Well, we all study ‘education’ here? That subject would be better termed ‘Physical Education’, because they spend all their time cycling to Homerton, and they’re only going to end up as P.E. teachers.

Another couple, meanwhile, God I can’t even think about it, were studying ‘PBS’. Imagine coming to university just to study feelings and emotions.

Worst of all were the historians. Anyone trapped in a room with a historian is in more danger than the 6th Army in 1943.

Yet still my date hadn’t arrived, and my thirty-minute slot was nearly done. I would have to slim down the assigned forty-minute vigorous rumpy pumpy session afterwards to only one minute and thirteen seconds, but don’t worry – that’s all I need.

Eventually, however, they arrived.

CT: Well. Were you pleased with Zuck’s choice?

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FTG: Zuck had never caused such arousal in all his life – even when compared to that time he leaked all those users’ private addresses. The waiter, gleaming, presented my date on a silver platter – although it probably wasn’t real silver, it being South America and all. On the plate sat a pile of papers, and a suspiciously well-worn copy of the Ashlee Vance biography on Elon Musk.

I grasped the papers in my hand. In their gleaming jissom-white pages sat a series of the most wonderous graphs and charts, alongside their respective differential parts. The appendix was thirty-six pages long! And oh my, the biography. Musk’s excitedly rebellious – but remarkably boring – outlook really came to the fore, in more ways than one.

I proceeded to end the date promptly, and returned with my darling to Trinity.

CT: Right.