Final Fantasy: All the Bravest is not the newest chapter in the world’s best known RPG series.  In fact, it’s barely a game at all.  Think of it rather as the most staggeringly cynical attempt to exploit cherished intellectual property that has ever befouled the iOS App Store.

The app–not game–possesses but a single objective: battle. Even a limited offering such as this might be ­fine, however, were it not for the fact that battles require no form of cognitive input whatsoever. Where other Final Fantasy games present a complex array of tactical considerations, All the Bravest offers only the option to attack, executed by touching the screen once. 

Even the acquisition of a veritable army of disposable minions–each of which is capable of attacking and that alone–demands no alteration of this strategy.  Find any exposed piece of skin and give the screen a few good rubs.  Congratulations, you’ve mastered All the Bravest.

Priced at £2.50 it’s one of the more expensive apps–still not a game–on offer for Apple’s mobile devices, and an insulting expense for a creation of so little depth.  What is truly infuriating, however, is the persistence with which the user is urged to shell out for extra content.  The most expensive bundle on offer costs almost as much as the app itself.

Charges are levied to travel to other lands and summon heroes from previous Final Fantasy games in a brazen exploitation of earlier, more fondly remembered, instalments, leaving no doubt that Square Enix have simply dragged their cash cow out for a vigorous beating. Worst of all, a player hoping to break the monotony by forking over another £0.69 for a classic character is offered no choice over which hero he receives.

But it might be argued that these optional extras are just that–optional and entirely avoidable.  And they are, but the pace at which the user will progress is best described as glacial.  Unless you’re willing to part with more money each and every time your party of 20-plus members is defeated–an occurrence of laughable regularity–three minutes per character must elapse before the team is back to full strength.

The rudimentary graphics and animation are the final nails in All The Bravest’s horrible coffin. There are some who may claim that the 16-bit style is “all part of the charm”, but as such charm is clearly non-existent I shall label it “unforgivably lazy” instead.  The presence of a pleasant soundtrack caused a brief moment of confusion, promptly resolved upon realizing that each and every track is drawn from previous Final Fantasy games.  Oh, and there is utterly no story to speak of. Whatsoever.

Closer to an iPhoneholding simulator than a game, Final Fantasy: All The Bravest is a vacuous exploitation of a long-running series. It is utterly without merit.