Given the growing fame of university-born groups like Oxford’s ‘Out of the Blue’, and firmly indoctrinated with the old adage that ‘anything they can do, we can do better’, my expectations for CU-TV’s Cambridge’s Got Talent event were high. In retrospect, I wish I’d been high, because it might have eased the pain of shattered illusions, and rendered the whole shambolic evening funny as opposed to disheartening, distressing, and many other dis- words that I’m too disillusioned to display. Reading back over my carefully-penned notes, tentative phrases like 'is this the best Cambridge has to offer?' gradually descend into scribbled, barely-decipherable 'you have GOT to be having a fucking BUBBLE' (I think that last one refers to the greek belly-dancer Markos. More on him later). In short, I was not impressed.

But before you get the impression that the event was entirely devoid of talent, let me state unreservedly that the first two acts - who were thankfully two of the night’s overall winners - were excellent. The Ellafunks performed an original piece by pianist Dominic that showcased both the resounding vocals of their lead singer, the eponymous Ella, and the undeniable musical talents of her trumpeting, saxophoning, guitaring and drumming ensemble. It was slick and entertaining – two thumbs up. Maybe a few fingers too just for good measure. They were followed by Theo Zhang, whose acoustic rendition of jazz classic ‘Autumn Leaves’ left one girl, a sort of bride-of-Dracula-meets-jailbait-schoolgirl, welling up with emotion. Theo, the unassuming and reserved prizewinner of the night, later informed me that his £250 would be going to a legal aid charity, because 'he doesn’t perform for the money'. He’s genuinely talented, and talented at being genuine. I’m a little bit smitten.

If only they hadn’t set the bar so high.

The next act, the Free Tenors, were a humorous trio of operatic satirists, offering their take on Snoop Dogg’s ‘The Chronic’ and Dean Martin’s ‘That’s Amore’ (‘That’s Berlusconi’). Which were, it has to be said, based on decent musical ability. The same cannot be said of their successors, lads-on-tour singing troupe Porchestra. Yes, they were fun. Yes, they did silly dances and had someone dressed as the devil. And yes, I feel like an enormous cultural snob and general Scrooge for saying it, but since when does a badly executed chord sequence constitute praiseworthy talent? The audience clamoured for them to leave as winners, for which we can only blame the Jedward effect, which has made charismatic mediocrity something to be lauded and rewarded in equal measures.

The Irish dancers were incredibly skilled at Irish dancing, which was fortunate, and despite some Rocky Horror costume errors it was entertaining. I was not convinced, however, by their inclusion in a competition aimed at scouting acts for next summer’s May Balls. The true horror of the evening, however, was the final act Markos Valsamis, and his erratic digestive gyrations. Having decided 'four days ago' that he fancied belly dancing, he subjected us to a three-minute display of stomach contortionism that felt like a bloated eternity. He also won a place at John’s May Ball.

I remain convinced that Cambridge is saturated with genuine, enviable talent, whether it be in music, dance or comedy, but do not think this event actually showcased this genius. And, as for the John’s 500th anniversary May Ball, which will now provide the laughable Markos with an even more prestigious platform to display his gastric ballet, one might question whether the rumoured £6 million budget is being put to the best use. Or whether for £500 for a pair of tickets you might expect something of a slightly higher calibre. Poor St John, he’s been through quite enough. Don’t crucify his college as well.