It’s a feat almost as legendary as joining the mile high club. You think about it when you roll out of someone else’s bed, fishing for socks inside jeans and turning your t-shirt the right way out, pondering the possibilities of their joining you for a morning in the library. You think about it when you’re at your laptop, peering through the stacks at that glorious mop of hair. You think about it when you lean back in your chair, bored, sex on the brain as usual, imagining being pushed into that corner over there, rough teeth tugging on your bottom lip, fingers fumbling with your belt buckle, clutching Dorothy Whitelock’s English Historical Documents: Vol. I as your knees tremble with passion…

Students (and possibly fellows) of Cambridge, it can be done. At the risk of security measures in the UL being increased to the point where they check pockets for condoms, here’s a comprehensive guide. We’ll start with the practicalities, and then we’ll move onto aesthetics. Read this first. Don’t mess it up. It’s not going to be easy, and yes, you probably will have a panic attack and change your mind four or five times while cycling over to do the deed. Wigging out is natural. Pulling out – no pun intended – is for the weak. See it through and you’ll be a legend. And one more thing: the aim is to not get caught. I cannot stress this enough. Librarians are grumpy at the best of times and, while those in the UL are actually pretty lovely, I don’t think they’d take too kindly to your fluids on their tomes. You might get sent down.

1. Pick your partner.

For some of you, this will be the easiest part. For the rest of you lonely sods, this bit is crucial. Aside from the obvious (consenting and of age, functioning genitals etc.), you need to make sure this person isn’t going to freak out as soon as you’ve passed through the revolving door. UL wank doesn’t sound like nearly as much fun.

2. Calm your nerves.

I don’t mean get high on Xanax, but it’s a good idea to get a full eight hours of sleep the night before and have a healthy breakfast because we don’t want you passing out as though you’re going for a blood test (also there are a lot of stairs in there, so fill yourself with energy). Maybe also a good idea to limit the caffeine – one cup of coffee is fine, but you don’t want to get the jitters. Or the shits.

3. Psych yourself up.

Remind yourself that you’re a pro. Or that everyone starts somewhere. Make a deal with yourself that you’re going to see it through. Maybe promise yourself a reward, like lunch at Bill’s or something. Whatever tickles your, um, fancy.

4. Look the part.

Obviously you’ll be looking sexy because you just are, but attire is key. I strongly recommend those with a vagina to wear a skirt or dress, and those with a penis to wear trousers with a fly. Easy access. If you object to this suggestion, please consider leggings/trackies/anything else easy to whip off and back on at a moment’s notice. It could mean the difference between getting your 2:1 and not getting a degree at all.

5. Come prepared.

As it were. If either of you have a penis, bring condoms. I’m not saying this to remind you about sexual health, because you’re not an idiot. I’m saying it because semen can be messy, and honestly, you don’t want milky drips running off Visions of Empire. Although if you’d enjoy the power trip, go for it.

6. Timing is key.

As with most sexual acts – and most library-related acts – timing is crucial. Just like writing essays the morning after Cindies, going for a shag in the UL at one in the afternoon is basically impossible. I suggest the morning when people are likely to be in lectures (FYI, the UL opens at nine). The next best time is four, when those who’ve been slaving away since lunch finally give up. Never just before it closes – people grab last minute books, and there are always a few stragglers milling among the stacks. Exam term is also a no go: that place is jam-packed from dawn until dusk.

7. So is location.

South Front is a good one – always fairly empty. Consider the History of Art section. They never go to the library except to shag, anyway. But there is no real hidden corner of the UL: any corridor that you pick could contain the volume that some unwary soul is hunting for whilst you’ve got your pants around your ankles. To keep risk at a minimum, pick a distant end of an upstairs corridor.

8. Choose your pleasure.

For a combination of penis and vagina, the ol’ perch on a shelf move is probably sensible. Two vaginas may prove trickier as kneeling or lying down for oral is going to make scramming that little bit harder if you get caught. Also the carpet is scratchy on the knees. If one of you can do a handstand, then great. It’s the same issue with two penises – you may find taking turns just works best, or you may decide to throw caution to the winds and go for a sixty-nine. I strongly advise against anal for any combination of genitals. You just don’t want to risk the mess.

For when love is in the air...

To spice things up, follow these bonus tips to add that extra bit of romance to your Valentine’s excursion. No candles goes without saying – we’ve already lost one great library on this side of the Nativity, and we don’t need to repeat the experience.

1. Toys etc.

If you’re into kinky extra stuff, no need to stop here. The no bags rule will mean that you’ll need a coat with big pockets, but after that, Ann Summers is your oyster. Just try not to leave puddles of lube. Also, I don’t think that handcuffs are a particularly good idea as they could obstruct a potentially crucial getaway.

2. Books.

Forget porn – the UL is full of super-hot erotic literature and, as an English student, I invite you to indulge. And we’re not talking about Fifty Shades, here. For your delectation and delight I’ve compiled a brief list of infamous ‘cliterature’ tomes, complete with their classmarks:

• Lady Chatterley’s Lover, by D.H. Lawrence, 1928 Original edition: Order in Rare Books Room (Not Borrowable) Syn.7.93.34
• Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, (aka Fanny Hill), by John Cleland, 1748 Order in West Room (Not Borrowable) (place a stack request)
• Tropic of Cancer, by Henry Miller, 1934 Order in West Room (place a stack request) 1998.8.9115 1985.8.3682
• Delta of Venus, by Anaïs Nin, 1940s, published 1977 Order in West Room (place a stack request) 1996.7.1418

3. Fun locations.

At the risk of exposing myself as a complete and utter heathen – it could be fun to do it in the Theology section. If either you or your partner are displaying symptoms in that region, go to the medicine section and diagnose each other. For a real winner, sneak into the Munby Room and shag on top of something 600 years old. It would be impressive, but probably not that sensible.

I hope this inspires a generation of revelry and fun in the UL; go and make some good memories in there. Undergraduates down the line will be finding your used condoms lying around as they research the Sonderbund War of 1847. And I’m not going to reveal if I have or haven’t. Find me in the smoking area at Life and ask.