North Korea cyber-attacks TOWIE: world rejoices

Outraged at the number of characters daring to emulate Kim Jong Un’s enticing lid, North Korea will commission the Guardians of Peace to digitally infiltrate the producers of The Only Way Is Essex. However, after Brits take to the streets in their millions to celebrate the downfall of the country’s most appalling reality TV show, the North Korean dictator quickly realises that he can use his powers of internet terrorism for good instead of evil. He then takes to hacking Country File, Lizard Lick Towing and all programmes with Keith Lemon in them, ridding the Western world of bad television once and for all.

Boris Johnson becomes reincarnated as an olive leaving him no choice but to compete for the Tory leadership

Following a tragic biking accident, Boris’ soul will undergo several spiritual rebirths, assuming the forms of an elderly rastafarian, a small goat and a yeast cell, before finally settling its form as a pitted green olive. Ecstatic at such an unlikely fulfilment of his previous statement from 2012, Boris will have no choice but to finally run for Prime Minister, becoming the nation’s first politically active marinated nibble.

Julian Assange seeks asylum in Kim Kardashian’s cleftal horizon

In what amounts to the craftiest refuge of a century, the Wikileaks co-founder will be discovered living in Kim’s rump. Upon discovery, he will have inhabited the space for eight months after leaving the Ecuadorian embassy when learning that this new residence has yet to sign an extradition treaty with the US. He won’t have been the first to seek protection in such a place: an endangered species of vole and the ghost of John Lennon will be found sheltering for dear life in the instaqueen’s bodacious booty.

Kanye West wrestles injured six year old

As if all the self-aggrandising radio appearances and the lyrics ‘I Am a God’ didn’t make the point clearly enough, Yeezus will assert his undying superiority and virility once and for all by challenging an underweight prepubescent boy with a broken ankle to a mud-wrestling match. In a stunt carefully planned by the rap superstar’s PR team, but unbeknown to the child, the conflict will be provoked by West accidentally spilling a froyo on his plaid shirt, prompting him to lash out at the passing boy with a clenched fist in New York’s Central Park.