Tinder is a minefield of shallowness, narcissism and appalling chat up lines. A cursory glance at each candidate’s profile has you either swiping them right, with the hope of nestling them snuggly into your inbox, or to the left, hurtling them into what can only be imagined as some destitute corner of cyberspace.

But it is also a facilitator of uninhibited fun; where the shackles of dating etiquette are cast off and flung from the proverbial window. Everyone is looking for different things; love, sex, friendship, a place to draw eyes and elephant ears on your penis and exhibit your creative genius to the world… So you’ve got to go into it with a sense of humour. If this seems a little daunting, don’t worry! Just relax and let your very own Tinder Bell guide you through the dos and don’ts of romantic success.

First and foremost: the photo. The initial, and let’s face it, most important thing that will determine whether you’re a lefty or a righty. The simple but often unobserved rule here, folks, is to have a clear photo of your face. That means no hiding in group photos in the hope that you might be mistaken for one of your better looking friends. And, though obviously it’s good to showcase your personality in your photos, no amount of action shots of you engaged in various extreme sports will compensate for a decent mug shot.  Just let your natural charms shine through (if that’s a lost cause, posing with a menagerie of baby animals is always a winner). And please, I don’t care how ripped you are, no mirror selfies of your six pack.

An interesting and funny bio, although notoriously tricky to write, can often be the clincher. They are a way of discovering mutual interests, gleaning intentions and can provide a good basis for starting a conversation. So plumb the depths of your soul for your passions and quirks: Keen entomologist? Enthusiastic philatelist? Avid mycologist? Stick it down and let the bonding begin. Mutual Facebook likes are also a good general indicator of compatibility.

So once you’ve hooked your prospective date, how do you begin a conversation? There are thousands of angles you can take on this, and I think it depends largely on what you’re looking for. But even if you are just after a cheeky hump, opening with “Sex tonight?” probably isn’t going to get you very far. Sometimes just a simple, friendly “Hi” is enough to get things rolling, but if you want to be a bit more interesting then asking a question that gets someone thinking is a good way to ensure a response. Alternatively, prepare your most outrageous chat up lines and fire away; the best conversations are the most hilarious.

Now you’ve given your technique a little polishing, go forth and find your Tinderella.