I don’t know whether you heard about it, but before Christmas there was an occupation going on in Cambridge. At times it was tough, but I stood up for something I believed in; I occupied my rooms in Trinity for the whole of the Michaelmas term, sleeping here almost every night and dedicating my days to occupying as hard as I possibly could. [Disclaimer: All occupations referenced in this article are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to real occupations, living or dead, is purely coincidental.] At times, however, things got hard, as my energy and willpower were gradually drained and I became delirious, due, no doubt, to my diet of digestive biscuits and lapsang souchong alone. Soon it became necessary to invent something to occupy me. As Byron has it in Don Juan, "Adversity is the first path to truth," and faced by the former I went in search of the latter. A revolutionary new society was born, a cabal of like-minded individuals with a common passion, a group the like of which the world had never before seen. Initially limited to an esoteric few, the doors of this extraordinary group have recently opened a chink, and written applications for membership are now encouraged. Here is a letter I received last week:

Peter Leggatt, President CUCIAS / Trinity College

Dear Peter,

Whilst there exists a great variety of quality foodstuffs in the world, such as mortadella and mange-tout, there is I believe no single foodstuff that can rightfully claim to be as noble, regal and intellectual as cheese. I therefore write to be considered for membership of the Cambridge University Cheese Ingestion and Appreciation Society. I look forward to receiving a reply in the near future.

With best regards,  

J— W—

 

Naturally J— W— wrote this letter without any prior suggestion from me, and quite how he heard about this hitherto secret organisation remains a mystery. My reply to it was as follows:

Dear J—,

Thank you for your elegant – and timely – letter of application; it just so happens that we are right now on the lookout for erudite new members, and your written eloquence on the subject of cheese set you apart clearly from the thousands of other hungry applicants. The oral dexterity that your letter portends will, I have no doubt, be confirmed at the next meeting – it gives me great pleasure to accept you as a new member of the Cambridge University Cheese Ingestion and Appreciation Society

All the best,

PGL

What occurs during the meetings is, naturally, clandestine and not a subject on which I am at liberty to write. The one thing that I can reveal, however, is that it does involve cheese. Do you have a serious interest in dairy products? A powerful lust for brie? A gluttonous, almost piggish appetite? If your answer to these questions is ‘yes’, then you might just have what it takes. Whatever your aptitude for cheese-related activity, do not worry that you may have missed the boat – the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse eats the cheese.