Onto us a gift is given
That's right, it's time for EUROVISION

Yes in just one weekend's time millions of viewers up and down Britain will tune in the 59th running of the Eurovision Song Contest, and three hours later complain loudly of the predictable political voting that last year saw Macedonia, Serbia and Slovenia all give their 12 points to Denmark.

Last year, Emmelie de Forest fought off stiff competition from a man whose inner torment danced behind him a box, a woman who was carried on stage by a 7ft Ukrainian giant, and Bonnie Tyler, so the contest is in Copenhagen. In the absence of a suitable venue, the Danish broadcaster decided that an abandoned shipyard would become the new Eurovision temple. The aesthetic is slightly industrial: for the first time ever, Eurovision is cool (maybe).

Let's see who's in it to win it:

Albania
One Night’s Anger – Hersi
First Semifinal, #6

In five words or less:  There are lyrics there somewhere.

A lesson in what happens you translate a song that presumably made sense in Albanian using Google. Albania is one of the first countries to choose their entry each year, which leads to the annual ‘Eurovision panic’ that all the songs will be as bad as Albania. Hersi’s entry is in a similar vein. There’s English in those lyrics somewhere, but it sounds as though Hersi is singing in a rather uncommitted way because she forgot to learn them.

Armenia
Not Alone – Aram MP3
First Semifinal, #1

In five words or less:  Heard you the first time 

Second song in and we’ve already arrived at the favourite. If you believe the bookies, it’ll be Yerevan 2015. So Aram MP3 was probably a bit surprised to arrive at a preview concert in Amsterdam to a sea of boos. Turns out that Eurovision fans / Dutch people don’t take particularly kind to you saying that the Austrian act’s life “is not natural” and ought to “decide whether she is a woman or man.” Of course after everyone got angry it turned out it was a joke.

#Eurovisionladbanter…The song is being touted for its simplicity and power, but I’m not convinced. It sounds like a song that was five minutes long and been rather inelegantly cut down to length.  For all its simplicity, it’s a just a man who starts singing ‘You’re not alone’ over and over for two minutes with a bit of dub. In 2011, Azerbaijan won the contestant in Dusseldorf to an audience of 35 thousand who promptly began booing. At least if it happens again this year Aram will be used to it.

Austria
Rise Like a Phoenix – Conchita Wurst
Second Semifinal, #6

In five words or less: Bond theme-esque; OMG a beard 

Austria are sending Conchita Wurst (there are puns in her name), the drag persona of Tom Neuwirth, and it’s freaking people out, because Conchita has a neatly trimmed beard. Cue YouTube comments abounding, highlighting that commenters have no problem with drag, but not this. Which means they do have a problem with drag. It’s a shame, because Austria’s song is actually rather good. With the right pyrotechnics, this ode to accepting yourself will be sure to go down a treat with the Eurofans.

Azerbaijan
Start a fire – Dilara Kazimova
First Semifinal, #8

In five words or less:  Pyrotechnics will ruin this one

Azerbaijan take Eurovision seriously. Very seriously. So seriously, when they won the contest in 2011, they built a 20,000 seat stadium specially for the contest, and each year spend millions on massive promotional tours for their act. One country’s ‘active promotion’ may be another’s ‘buying votes’ but the EBU decided nothing untoward had occurred, so all’s good. 

They cut out a lot of the effort that usually goes into their entries by choosing an act who can actually already sing rather well. However, the number of references to flames makes me fear imagine a catastrophe of pyrotechnics will feature somewhere in this song, that’s bound to reach the top 5. Money will never look so cheap.

Belgium
Mother – Axel Hirsoux
First Semifinal, #10

In five words or less:  Norman Bates. 

Axel has taken Belgium by storm, winning the national final with 60 per cent of the vote and bringing 2004 winner Ruslana to tears (she now judges Belgian talent shows because winning Eurovision makes your career skyrocket). This is admirable, given that Belgium’s entry is a man in his thirties singing about how much he is in love with his mother. Lest there be accusations I am slighting Axel’s heartfelt ode, he didn’t even write it. Somewhere in Europe, a songwriter is tasked with writing generic songs about obsessive love for family members. That said, when Psycho the Musical finally gets the green light, we have the soundtrack for the shower.

Georgia
Three Minutes to Earth - The Shin and Mariko
Second Semifinal, #4

In five words or less:  Shakira in the early days

Even Georgia has disowned this entry. When the Eurovision blogs run articles entitled ‘In defense of Georgia’, you know you’re on to a winner. To be fair, the singer Mariko is a very talented jazz singer, but is learning to her cost what happens that when you give your band microphones, they will try to upstage you.

Germany
Is it Right? – Elaiza
Final

In five words or less:  Don’t forget who’s the star

Germany have started taking Eurovision very seriously, putting a lot of effort into convincing established acts to enter their pre-selection. This year this went out the window when all the established acts were beaten by the wildcard contestant, a girl-group that producers met in a club. It seems unlikely that Germany want to (or will…) win this year, but that shouldn’t discount the simple wonder of this song, well one simple wonder. In theory this is a three-piece group, but at look at 2:30 when the accordionist tries to get her camera time, and it’s fairly clear who’s the star.

Israel

Same Heart - Mei Finegold
Second Semifinal - #2

In five words or less: Love never sounds so angry

Dark Horse Alert. After 3 years lurking in the semifinals, I think Israel have cracked it, producing the most classic Eurovision song of the year. There’s a slightly moody looking singer, a pretty well executed shift between Hebrew and English, and of course, a seemless key change about 30 seconds from the end. The message of the song is also a lot less needy than the usual Eurovision love song fare, though I’m still not entirely sure whether the sign the relationship has broken down – ‘we don’t bleed from the same heart’ – is a mistranslation or just morbid.

Netherlands
Calm after the storm - The Common Linnets
First Semifinal, #14 

In five words or less:  Like an actual song

Netherlands have been the embarrassment of Eurovision of late. They failed to qualify for the final without fail between 2005 and 2012, being saved from their shame last year by Anouk, whose song Birds was given the highest honour of being a song in its own right, and not just something that was acceptable because it’s Eurovision. When asked who should inherit her Eurovision mantle, she was adamant that it should be her backing singer, saying “Who else could do it? Ilse [DeLange]? Pfft. Fuck that. That’s not gonna happen. She has no personality.”

About one month later, it was announced that Ilse de Lange would be representing the Netherlands with good friend Waylon. Both are very well known in the Netherlands, and are actually fairly credible performers, aiming to bring a bit of Nashville to Eurovision. The song has been blasted among the eurofans for the heinous crime of ‘being boring’, as there is no discernible place for the fireworks to go. However, in a perfect world (essentially one where I ran Eurovision), this would win. It won’t, so don’t worry.

Poland

My Słowianie - Donatan and Cleo
Second Semifinal - #5

In five words or less: Misogyny or satire? You decide

Accusations that Poland’s entry is misogynistic have not be helped by footage from their rehearsals where from the looks of it Cleo will be off camera most of the time, to allow for close ups of the backing dancers churning butter in cleavage boosting ‘traditional costume’. The song is either a very clever satire or just stupid, detailing exactly what it is that makes Slavic Girls the girls of your dreams. I pray it’s satire, I really do. Luck of the draw means that Poland is in the ‘shit’ semifinal, where qualification seems a lot more likely, so you may well be dancing to disjointed Polish rap come Saturday.

Russia

Shine - Tolmachevy Twins
First Semifinal, #7

In five words or less:  A plea for tolerance. TROLOLOL

Anastasia and Maria are no strangers to Eurovision. Aged just nine, they won the Junior Eurovision contest in 2006, and have been adverts for what parents can get if they deny their children actual childhoods ever since. Now 17, they were selected to fly the flag for Russia with their song Shine.  Their song is very simple. A new dawn is a simple message to their rising sun: they’re ‘sending out a message out above, telling all the world to show some love.’ Well maybe not all the world but you get the idea. How a stadium of 10’000 ‘Eurovision fans’ will take to Russia will be interesting, to say the least.

San Marino
Maybe (Forse) - Valentina Monetta
First Semifinal - #12

In five words or less:  Take the hint Valentina

San Marino haven’t had the best luck in Eurovision, hampered in part by the population of their entire country being smaller than the Esprit Arena, that hosted Eurovision in 2011. For the last two years, they have sent Valentina Monetta, so sang in Baku about Facebook an in Malmö about butterflies, becoming a fan favourite and scoring San Marino’s highest ever placing of not qualifying for the final, but being one of the better songs not to. Faced with continued failure, San Marino are trying a different track by sending Valentina Monetta. Her song this year repeats the word ‘maybe’. It seems she’s set her ambitions on maybe getting to the final. This seems realistic. If you’re harbouring bitter memories on getting pooled,flat out rejections and the terrors of applying to Cambridge two years in a row, tune in on Tuesday to see a woman fail in her dream for the third straight year. It will be a beautiful disaster. 

Spain
Dancing in the rain - Ruth Lorenzo
Final

In five words or less:  Her hair will go everywhere

Remember Ruth from X Factor in 2008? Simon told her that she had to sing in Spanish every week, otherwise the audience would get confused. Louis seemed obsessed with her breasts. She had a pretty incredible voice. Well it’s 6 years later and she’s had her first top-10 hit in Spain. And the eurofans LOVE it. I find it oddly nostalgic. It reminds me of one my friends who regularly sings loudly then starts talking about the weather the weather in Spanish when he’s drunk.  

Sweden
Undo - Sanna Nielsen
First Semifinal, #4

In five words or less: Stockholm/Gothenburg/Malmö 2015 anyone?

Sweden has a strange relationship with Sanna Nielsen. She’d already entered the Swedish preselection show Melodfestivalen six times, each time being the gracious runner up with a nice song about love. This year, Sweden decided it was her time, and much to their surprise, is now looking to be a real favourite to win the whole thing. After hosting last year, which included a song about how expensive Eurovision is to host, the Swedish broadcaster is simply delighted.

According to the international confederation of Eurovision fan clubs (yes that’s a thing), Sanna is 100 points clear of her rivals. She has a dark power-ballad, contemplating why love buggered everything up. Grammar fans might get angry at her insistence that her lover might be able to ‘undo my sad’ but let’s  not pretend enough viewers will know why that’s dodgy phrasing.

Special Mention: Belarus

Varsity has actually already tried to bring the glory of Belarus' entry to the world. However, TEO just keeps getting better and better. Remembering the magic that was the Russian Grannies in 2012, TEO made his own version. Not to be outdone, TEO recorded a special version of his slightly Blurred Lines inspired classic musings on hamster dates with a gaggle of grannies who dance and present him with quiches as he explains why he wants to break up with them. The term 'best thing ever' is probably overused, but I might have found the video that finally deserved the accolade.

My Favourite:

Iceland
No Prejudice - Pollapönk
First Semifinal , #5

In five words of less: The Backing Singers make this

Rainbow themed outfits. Coordinated shuffle dancing. Icelandic funk. A song about everyone coming together. Astonishingly grammatically correct lyrics demonstrating an ability to use impersonal pronouns correctly. A key change. THAT DANCE DURING THE BRIDGE.  The entire stage in Copenhagen filled with multicoloured cubes. A song that reminds us that, in a contest built on countries ranking each other, ‘Inside we’re the same’. An astute friend of mine pointed out that a song specifically about diversity is hampered by a severe lack of deviation away from the beard/bright block colours aesthetic. Let’s forgive them that.

And Finally...

United Kingdom
Children of the Universe  - Molly
Final

In five words or less: This might actually win

Who? you might ask. Well exactly. Rather than attempting to resurrect the careers of Bonnie, Englebert and Lee Ryan, this year the BBC decided to find someone unknown who's actually rather talented. Molly won Best Urban/Pop at 2012 Live and Unsigned, and would you believe it, the song is actually quite good. Eurovision fans across Europe are already talking about the rebirth of Britain's Eurovision hopes, and early rehearsal footage has confirmed, that, yes, the choruses will have pyrotechnic rain galore. So let's put aside the cynicism for one year, believe in Britain, and hate ourselves for it in about a month when we see just how UKIPs got elected.