In this remarkable extract, we are given an exclusive insight into the world of Chelsea socialite Katrina Kettlewell, who seems unaware of her diary’s discovery and shows every intention to continue writing. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

19th November, Dawn. Litro just awoke to the sound of a loud horn and the smell of burning wheat… Oh thank Instagram it’s like totes just a dream; a dream of an event that like totes occurred last week #KKWeekSeven. Litro ever since Hugo and the Oatie boys crashed the 100th anniversary of the abolition of the hereditary admissions test in protest it’s been like actual mayhem in college. Hugo’s litro spent like an actual stint in the “can” #PlebSlang. This is totes the kind of sordid vocab I’m gonna have to get used to now that he’s like totes “banged up.” Urgh FML it’s like actually WTF have you done to good ol’ English IMHO?! So like now that he’s incarcerated and I’m like totes on the set of Prisoners’ Wives I figured it’s like defo time for me to start my new life #NewlyImprisonedBoyfriendNewMe.

Midday. So like as I’m just like gliding to the buttery to start my life among the common populace, or as I should probs say now, “other people,” I like totes full on collide with Teddy #MovieMoment. He’s all: “Heeey like totes watch where you’re go – OMG like gin and hold the tonic it’s Katrina Kettlewell!” I’m like: “Hehe yeah, like, it totes is.” FFS my bourgeois cover is like totes already blown #Busted. Litro, I swear my liquid gold veins must be glowing like jaundice #ImpairedWithImportance. Litro, ever since I spat some wisdom at the Union I’ve been like an actual for sure certified #BNOC. So like, Teddy’s all: “Listen, Kitty Kat, you #Feline creative? ‘Cause I’ve just started this new satire mag Keep Off My Arse for like the sexually insecure guardians of Cambridge lawn traditions and you’ve got like the exact aesthetic and tone of like a totes sick satire columnist.” I’m like: “Ted, I’m like totes not so sure… Like, what is there that I can be satire about? There’s like litro nothing I know anything about that could be twisted into a parody. Like, how can one utilise sarcasm when we exist in like a totes sincere and sober environment that deserves like the utmost reverence and respect?” Ted’s like: “Yeah like I totes get you but like just smack some hyperbole on a benign statement and you’re litro #Winning. Bonkers!!! Anyway, like, come to the meeting and you’ll totes see what I mean.”

Tea-time. So like I get to the meeting and Teddy’s like: “So guys like welcome to the comedy tent a-hay-hay!!! So like the way to satire is to find something that’s true, like ‘Pennying’ and then do like some crazy exaggeration to get ‘Cambridge students have litro been drowning girls called Penny in vats of Merlot and then like totes drinking their actual blood.’ Got it?”

So, like, we go around the circle and four dick jokes later #BlokeJoke it’s my turn. I’m like: “So I was thinking like, ‘cause Cambridge is really old, right? So, it could be like, ‘BREAKING NEWS: Cambridge is LITRO the oldest University in the actual universe!’ I mean, it’s actually like the fourth oldest University in the world alone, behind Bologna, Oxford and Salamanca, but like the point still totes stands that it’s like really really old. Like, 1209 was like a considerably long time ago.” Oh no, what total fuckupery. There’s like a collective silence while everyone notes the absence of genitals...

So like Teddy breaks the silence and is all: “Litro Katrina, you’ve blown my arse off!” I’m like: “Hehe, Teddy, like what does that like even mean?” He’s all: “It’s like saying you’ve blown me away but like, with the word arse #CallThePolice #PottyMouth. But anyway, so like, I think the problem is like you need to be a bit more rude...” I’m like, “Oh I totes get it. Like, don’t you worry. I can totes be rude.”

So like, here’s my revised version:

“BREAKING NEWS: Cambridge is LITRO the oldest University in the universe!

“But like, not as old as your Mum. Fat cow.”

Totes nailed it.

OMG so, like, litro just wait for more satiring #NextWeek...