Previously on #TSDOKK: So like Hugo and I are like litro just snacking on some actual free-range nibbles in a candlelit archway at the edge of the Bop when a guy litro drenched in honey and covered in oats runs into us and like totes knocks a scotch egg like actually out of my hand. Litro before we can even say #ToffOff the stone archway like totes starts revolving and Hugo, the sticky man and me are like litro plunged into like actual darkness…

Litro just awoke to the smell of like actual honey suffusing my bedsheets… I roll over and litro land straight in the sticky patch. OMG Hugo has litro got his honey everywhere!!! Like, did he even put a lid on it?! #AreYouHoneyBeeingSerious. So like yesterday was Hugo’s initiation into Sereal Soc which now means he’s like a litro fully fledged Wheato! #A-Maize-Balls. Litro ever since we bumped into the sticky man (who we now know is like totes far more Teff than Toff) it’s been an actual Rolled-Oats-A-Coaster...

“Like, what is this actual place?” I shout into the totes pitch black void. A litro solitary voice responds: “Where do you think all of those like actual whole grain snacks come from, Miss Kettlewell?” “Waitrose?” I ask tentatively. “In 1478, the college Master like totes lost control of the lawns of the college through a gambling match with my great-great-great-great grandfather, Miller Rice. In an attempt to restore order to the grass he like offered Miller a deal he could totes not refuse… So now we litro continue his legacy selling whole grain snacks to the college at extortionate rates.” I’m like actually stunned, like, my #Digestion is litro corrupt! I’m litro secreting the Mafia (I think inside my brain)! He’s all “Like you can totes trust me, it’s like fo sho above board.” So I’m like “But like why keep it a secret?” “Why put honey and oats together?” he responds. “Because it tastes nice” I answer. “Exactly.”

So like now that Hugo has been totes fully initiated into #WholeGrain life, I’ve been invited on like the actual Oatie Bar Crawl (which is litro exactly like the Boatie Bar Crawl but with like a hamper of actual whole grain snacks!!! #Random). Litro so #Quinoa for all the #CrayCray events! We’re like so totally Nutri-Grain to this whole thing! G2G now, #SS awaits!

So like we get to the archway and Hugo smears manuka honey across the stonework, which totes promptly starts revolving. An actual like staircase is revealed and we like totes majestically descend into the Grain Emporium for like the second time this week. Litro as soon as we arrive we’re like totes jumped on by like two burley Barleys. “Like what on Oat is she doing here?” demands one of them to Hugo. “Yeah, like no Wheatessess allowed!” growls the other. Hugo’s like “Back off men, I’ve got like an actual permit!” He litro flashes them his #Honies permit, and they like totes back off. “OMG Hugo you’re like so #Refined” I gush. “They don’t call me Endosperm for nothing,” he chuckles.

So like we’re litro just taking in our surroundings and everyone’s just like chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool. I mean it’s litro SUCH a chill room. Seriously, it’s like actually chilled to like keep all the actual fruits and whole grains like super fresh #FreshQuince. So like as we scan the room for like future memoire quotes it like totes dawns on us that there’s like actually not a farmyard fellatio act in sight. Hugo’s like, “Where’s the PAR-D @?! #Rye-otClub!!!” but like everyone just litro continues with the Telegraph cryptic. I’m like #Rude. Talk about a Crossword, like, this is like one #SeriouslyPissedOffWord. Hugo’s like “So I was litro under the impression that this was like the Buller of the actual snacks world?” #LetDown.

OMG so, like, litro just wait for more frivolity #NextWeek...