Read last week's instalment here.

5th November: Dawn

Litro just awoke to like the actual smell of gunpowder, treason and… pot. #WhatTimeIsIt?! OMG it’s litro 4:20 am. LOL it’s early I should totes go back to sleep...

Dawn-thirty

Litro just awoke to like the actual smell of pot. So like every year to like celebrate the death of some #Guy the Master litro sets this like actual giant mound of grass alight, litro like infusing the college with his actual giant stick of incense #Innuendo. It’s like to #RememberRemember #TheSpliffOfNovember or like something of that sort. I’m like totes unfazed by the whole thing. Like, super not bothered. In fact… I’m feeling quite, like… Chill… Actually……………...

Midday

So like I get to my supo and the Prof’s eyes are like totes super merlot #Plummy… So he’s like litro on the floor rolling around in like an actual pile of leaves. I’m like, “OMG like such gr8 hues Prof, like, super Christumnal #Portmanteau #OnSecondThoughts #JustThePort LOL.” He’s all “Litro just exfoliating Miss Kettlewell, don’t mind me #Crispy.” So like I take a seat in the literal interrogation zone and he’s all, “Like how much soup would a visor sip if a visor could sip soup?” I’m like totes somewhat baffled by this #BaffleOfTheSome but then litro before I can even offer a soup-table answer he totes begins to recite some actual metaphysical poetry. So like by this point I’m like totes #Donne. Like, I’m so totes not paying even tuppence for this literal flummery #Nonsense. But then he’s like, “Have a bagel, Miss Kettlewell” and I like totes soften like a bagel cooked backwards. I’m like “Is there brie?” He’s like, “Well obvs.” So like as we’re taking a little #Briesta Hugo arrives like, “Look who’s got the crunchies, LOL! Like, litro, though… give me my crunchie bars.” And I do, because they are his.

Eventide

So like I arrive at Sesamé for the Society for WAGS and Porters (SWAP) swap and it is like totes a filthy pit of debauchery #SesameSeedy. Like, the small talk is litro aflame #TheToastingIsTotesToastyHot. One Porter’s like, “Fine if you’ve litro ever snuck into a literal student’s room when they’re not there” and all the Porters are litro like “I!” and another’s like “LOL yeah like fine if you’ve slept under a student’s bed for like a week without them knowing.” I’m like, “Uh, no that is like so totes clearly not FINE. These things are like totes problematic actually. NOT fine if you do anything of the sort!” and everyone’s like “I!” #MeetingAdjourned.

So then like litro in the middle of the feast someone totes declares “Like litro fall to, men!” Literally at once everyone around me whips out screwdrivers and tins of paint and like litro gets quietly to work unhinging doors, dismantling tables, pulling up floorboard, painting the walls #EtCetera. I’m like “Litro what are you all doing?!” and a mechanic removing the literal radiator from the wall looks up and is all, “Well, we’re litro like paying them to trash the place, aren’t we?! #LadsLadsLads!!!” Someone litro hands me a hammer and is like, “Go nuts.” So when Michelle comes in I litro give her a little thwack and then everyone like totes flees like tiny parasites making such litro speedy getaways #GettingOurMoneysWorth.

Even more-tide

So like we’re litro just fleeing from the swap and I actually like full on collide with Hugo. So he’s like totes trying to hide it but I can litro see the crumbs around his mouth… “You’ve been on a Nature Valley swap!!!” I litro declare. He’s like “How did you actually know?!” And then like some girl appears who litro shoves a Nature Valley bar into his actual mouth and runs away. I’m like litro SO #Offended. The Nature Valley swap is like the most actually sexually charged of all the Oatie swaps. Mostly ‘cause like Nature Valley bars are like so totes delish they’re like almost orgasmic. “Oh #Crumbs” says Hugo.

OMG so, like, litro just wait for more of the same sort of thing #NextWeek...