Read last week's instalment here. 

22nd October - Dawn

Literally just awoke to the smell of freshly mown grass, new parchment and spearmint… toothpaste? OMG Hugo, what like totes fresh breath you have!!! #AllTheBetterToMakeOutWithYouWith. So like as I’m opening my eyes I feel the wind caress my cheek like a feather festival headdress, but before I can actually like process cultural appropriation Hermes litro zooms in through the open window on his RyanAir heelys. I’m all “Budget cuts?” and he’s like “#AusterityIsAnInconvenience.” So then he like totes drops a scroll on the bed with ‘#TheActualLikeCambridgeFuckingUnion’ wax seal on it. OMG, like what could it actually be?!

So like I open the scroll and I’ve litro been invited to like speak at the Union for an event called “This House Litro Believes That Like This House Should Have The Freedom To Like Debate Free Speech In This House And Also Offer Julian Assange Cake Like It’s Only Cake #ChatterDon’tMatter.” I’m like SO TOTES up for this, like, I’m such a sucker for a bargain but FREE speech?! Litro #Winning any day. I swear ever since Whatsapp started charging me an annual fee and like Facebook Messenger started actually tracking my every move (like, even when I buy shoes on sale or blow my nose with loo roll instead of a tissue) like my literal ONLY communication outlet is #Insta. SO #Oppressed. It’s like I’m actually totes publishing my diary to like the literal world (OMG how embarrassing would that be?! LOL!) So then Hugo’s all “You’re so successful I’m litro like intimidated by you now, LOL!” and so I’m like “Teehee so you know like in Rugby... what’s a knock-on?” and he pats me on the head #Equality.

Midday

So like major prep for the #Bop tonight is like totes fully swinging like a sexually starved middle-aged couple on a Wednesday night in Barnsley Town Hall #Metaphors. So like this week’s theme is ‘Meta Meat’ which is obviously totes hilar ‘cause like ‘Meta’ is an anagram of ‘Meat’ #Funagram. But it’s also like totes serious as well ‘cause it’s an actual charitable theme to like raise awareness for like cruelty to animals. So like now I’m in a massive Branston Pickle ‘cause I don’t know whether to dress as an ermine in a fur coat, a mouse chemist, a bunny Naomi Campbell, Peter the cannibal dog, or just like take my snake skin handbag ‘cause it’s litro so #Rare #Vintage?!

Teatime

So like I litro just gracefully collided with Olivia and she just told me that like all of the proceeds for tonight’s Bop are litro going straight to FFS (Fashionable Females Soc)! Litro so #Pumped we can like FINALLY replace our fur collection with synthetics and then like totes donate the fur to like really cold animals in like Manchester or somewhere super far away from the equator! Olivia’s like “I’m in like such an Organic Pickle now ‘cause my crochet dress is litro still in Miami... like, my crochet-dile outfit is SO totes ruined!” I’m like, “HOLD YOUR THOROUGHBRED #Whinnying! I’ve got like two actual spare outfits!” Oh My Instagram, chilly animals and now THIS?! I am literally a saint!

Eventide

So like Hugo and I are like litro just snacking on some actual free-range nibbles in a candlelit archway at the edge of the Bop when a guy litro drenched in honey and covered in oats runs into us and like totes knocks a scotch egg like actually out of my hand. Hugo’s like “Are you like having a chortle mate?!” and I’m all “Hugo like totes don’t it’s like SO not #NetWorth it!” and then I’m all “This Bop is called ‘Meta MEAT’ not ‘Meta OATMEAL!’ Where’s your humanity?!” Litro before we can even say #ToffOff the stone archway like totes starts revolving and Hugo, the sticky man and me are like litro plunged into like actual darkness…

OMG so, like, litro just wait for everything to be unveiled #NextWeek...