Read last week's instalment here. 

15th October - Dawn

Literally just awoke to the smell of buttery croissants wafting under the old oak door. I roll over and there’s like actually no one beside me, I’m like OMG where’s MY BOYFRIEND Hugo?! and then I inhale a croissant flake that’s made it’s way under the door... #Bae breaking my fast! G2G now, work awaits #ArtsStudent #Economistress.

Midday

OMFG, like, worst day ever!!! Litro like waltzed into my first lecture like a whole six and a half minutes late. Ms Lecturer was all “Nice of you to join us Miss Kettlewell,” and I was all flustered like, “Litro SO SOZ Prof I just got held up by the Boyf… Shit did I just say that? SHIT, did I just say SHIT?!” SO #Cringe, like, FFS word vom or what?! In the library now, only have three more days to finish this essay and I’ve litro got like 50 words and a diagram of Hugo’s left hand: he’s got three freckles and a callous on one thumb alone! #Complicated.

So like Hugo calls and is litro like, “Hey, I heard about your little moment in lecture room 6 today...” I’m like an actual beetroot and he’s all “Haha ROFL” I’m like “Yeah, ROFL, #BNOC.” #GoodChats. So Hugo’s taking me to Formal to cheer me up, he’s like, arranged a car and everything #RollUpInDaFormal.

Eventide

So like we’re at Formal and I realise I’ve litro forgotten all of my penny tokens #WhatAmILike. Fresher Benjy’s like “What’s a penny?” I’m like, “Oh it’s litro just some token you put in wine glasses at Formal so the respective owner of the glass has to #DownIt. Sometimes you find them on the side of the road, like, idk, but they’re endorsed by the Queen.” “WOW HRH is dedicated to the #Lash!” chortles Benjy, “So what’s a five penny then?” I’m like ROFL “It’s litro actual money you actual toff!” and he’s all “You’re pulling my Armani, right?!” I’m like, “No I litro gave a server at Wasabi twenty pounds the other day and they gave me like a five penny back, I was like ‘I don’t need a souvenir!’”

So Hugo’s like litro belting out the Grace like the love child of Mariah Carey and David Attenborough and when he reaches “... likum litro #DominumNostrum” everyone totes collectively orgasms like ‘Ah-my-fucking-God-men.’ It’s litro like watching a home vid of Miss Magdalene and Christ Our Lord #ReligioPorn. So then the Master stands up and is all like “Remember, don’t walk on the grass” and I litro choke on my beetroot and quinoa like, such a ridick applicable joke, I’m like, actually PMIFL (Pissing Myself In Formal Laughing).

So we’re having a totes deep convo about current affairs over the salmon and walnut crème brûlée and Hugo’s all “I swear we’ve litro come SO FAR in terms of like multiculturalism like who would ever have thought Nadiya would have won GBBO this time last year. Like, litro when her nuns collapsed I swear everyone in Leeds like actually stopped breathing like, there were actual casualties.” I’m like, “So true, baking is totes the way forward like, do they have ovens in Inverness ‘cause I swear puff pastry could litro unite the UK for like evs.”
So then Fresher Benjy chimes in like “I’m totes happy for Leeds like congrats but I’ve litro heard that international students are like undercutting local students’ offers with baked goods now. Like, no joke, I have a friend from Liverpool who litro applied to Cambridge with an omelette and they were like “Egg-ceptional work, like, have a porsche and a degree!” It’s litro so sad, like, we work so hard to be super inclusive and we’re like totes punished for it ‘cause we can’t bake, it’s an actual travesty.” I’m like “Benjy, omelettes are litro fried not baked, this is like two totes different issues #Parred.”

OMG so, like, litro just wait for more shenanigans #NextWeek...