Read last week's instalment here. 

8th October - Dawn

Re-freshers is legit MAD! Litro just awoke to the smell of potpourri wafting up my nostrils… OMA, like, what on earth happened last night?! Opening my eyes very slowly to make sure I’m like not actually deceased and in like actual purgatory I scan the room and locate the source of the potpourri… It’s, like, actual vom. So apparently I litro spewed my fragrant insides like here there and everywhere #WhatAmILike. Ugh, SO do NOT want to get out of my four-poster... #WakeMeUpWhenReFreshersEnds.
Omigosh just looked at myself in the mirror and I can see like actual brand new Louis Vuittons nestled under my eyes #FashionIsMyPassion #EyeBags. Definitely FAR too much champers #WokeUpLikeThis. I swear re-freshers is like even more exhausting than hot yoga, I’m like 2010 Election in a noose that’s how much I’m hanging, it’s unreal. I’m like actually never drinking again, like new year, new me, like out with the old and in with the vintage chic LOL #GirlHumour. G2G now, socialising awaits...

Midday

So I’m at brunch and everyone’s like whispering in a corner, I’m like “hey guys… GROAN… who’s also totes hungover… GROAN” but they litro like don’t even notice me and carry on talking, so I listen in like “... so like my uncle told me they’ve litro been like embezzling money for like the past 50 years… sending it to like an actual drug tycoon in Hampshire who invests it and then like uses the profits to litro fund relief projects in Africa?! Like I’m not even joking, like, CUSU is so ridick generous #SoPeak… I can litro relate like so hard though, it’s like they went way into their overdraft by being super charitable but like instead of buying their friends jaeger bombs they’re litro funding welfare and like the whole of Africa… like they actually just need to cut down on luxuries like fresh coriander and inclusivity and they’re litro sorted! Also, like, don’t tell anyone about this it’s litro TOP SECRET.” I’m like, OMA I litro cannot believe my ears… maybe I can sell this to The Tab?

Teatime

So I’m just like totally busy scouting out the new Fresher BNOCs and I litro get a text from Hugo and he’s all “where are you?! ‘cause we’re going punting litro like now!” I’m like “BYE KIDS, MUMMA'S GOT A DATE.” My phone bleeps again as I’m lady sprinting to the punts #OhTheFlouncyFlouncy: “I want to see you wield a pole #wink…” it says. I reply like “I’m litro pole wielding champion!!! <3” and he sends back a dancing lady emoji and a boat... #WhatCouldHeMean?

Five minutes past teatime

So like as I walk up to Hugo he’s actually like laughing at me like “good afternoon Miss Kettlewell… how are you feeling?” I’m like “don’t you dare make fun of me, I’m like in an actual critical state. What happened last night?!” “Don’t you remember?!” he asks in a husky growl, grinning like a total hunk of manhood and I’m like actually devoid of sound, like, I am an ovary.

So, like, when we get to the punt there’s like some woman waiting for us with like civilian uniform on and she’s like smiling at us and handing us life jackets and then she whips out a pamphlet that reads “in case of an actual emergency, like, light this actual beacon,” I’m like, “isn’t that like dangerous?” she’s like “we’re literally on water,” so I’m like “rude…” and Hugo’s scowling like “what is this, like, the tightening of airport security in response to 911 but like on a punt in Cambridge and about safety?! LOL!” I’m like “that’s so true and like actually funny.” Ugh he’s actually such a literal #Bae. So #excited for pudanting (punting and dating litro combined into one actual word)!!!

Laterrrr

DOWN IT FRESHERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!21 #courgarrrrrrwrwr

omh hugo is such a bae./

OMG so, like, litro just wait for all to be revealed #NextWeek...