I first heard the word ‘polymath’ last year. I thought it was the name of some loser second-year, but, upon enquiry, it turned out to mean someone who’s really good at everything. It was actually a really amazing moment, like Buddha’s enlightenment, except I have a better figure and fabulous hair and only one earring – anyway, I just thought, ohmygod, that’s me!

Obviously, I took some time to work out what this means for me as, like, a person. I’ve been at the ADC for two years now and if my time there has taught me anything, it’s that there is no end to my abilities. Last term I heard that Kafka wrote this amazing short story in, like, a night and so I thought I should do the same thing.

I showed it to my friends who all thought it was so great and we should write a play based on the best-selling book (which it will be, obviously, once published) and maybe I should live life as a beetle for a while like in ‘Metamorphosis’ and get into character? So I hired a costume and did that but my tendrils kept getting into my port and I couldn’t get up the stairs to the Pitt club in it and tbh the whole thing didn’t quite come off. But I showed the story to my supervisor and he said there was no end to my talents. I thought I heard him mutter ‘no beginning too’ but I must have been mistaken.

Anyway, since ‘polymath’ has ‘math’ in it, I thought I’d better try some. I haven’t done maths since GCSE but everyone said a C was an injustice and also numbers are deep. But actually my friends’ textbooks turned out to be a bit more tricky than I was anticipating – although obviously still really easy – so I bought a calculator, a snip at £150, because that’s all maths is, isn’t it?

So after a few weeks of maths I remembered Good Will Hunting where he goes and writes equations on the blackboard at night and everyone realises he’s a genius. So, as I am quite like Matt Damon, I did that one night. Don’t ask me what equation I solved, I just sort of went a bit freestyle with it, you know? It was probably a pretty hard one. I made sure it was long and scribbly too.

Obviously no one knew it was me, so I had to make it clear that it was me so they would know who to find when NASA came knocking. Therefore I tentatively asked a mathmo acquaintance if anything interesting had happened down the faculty.

‘No,’ he said, ‘But some idiot scribbled some rubbish all over the blackboard last night. Made no sense at all.’

I can’t believe someone doodled over my life’s work! Must’ve happened after I left. Ah well, I’ll solve that cat in a box thing next week.

Read Freya's last creative piece on demon hats here.