We are everywhere. Circles of darkness, silent and still, we hover at the college gate; roam the stone corridors in the night; slink in and out of rooms at will.

You rarely notice us. Sometimes, we flicker in your vision as you hurry through the lodge. Occasionally, you might smile and converse with our slaves – or sulk at them when they drag you out of bed for a fire alarm.

We control the porters. We are the hats, and we see all. We direct them through the day shift and the night. Smudged between the two, porters occupy a twilight world. We control them, fitting snugly to their heads and whispering secrets. How do you think they know when your ‘Scrabble gathering’ is about to spiral out of control? Or when there are eleven people in a room rather than ten, in clear contravention of college regulations? We, the hats – we know everything.

Porters aren’t born, of course: they’re made. Customised for each one of us under the watchful eye of the Master. Stewed in an unholy mixture of thick polyester and cotton; add a dash of severity and a selective blind eye. All mixed up in the ‘wine cellars’ (ha!) of every college. We have total control, and we exert it.

Naturally we have a wide range of powers. Oh yes. In times of dire need – a student urinating out of a window, for example – we vaporise our porter’s body and coat into wisps of shadow. Only we remain, flying across college to bring the fear of hell (and the Dean) on the offender. Byron went to Trinity: where do you think he got the idea for the vampyre? Silly boy – thought he could ward us off by hauling a bear around college.

Even with our – abilities – it can be difficult keeping the students in check. The tourists also. We have lost count of the times when we have had to prevent Japanese tourists taking photos of ‘No Entry’ signs from the other side. In particularly serious cases, the Master allows us free rein. Sometimes too free, in my opinion. Some of my more enthusiastic colleagues have amassed rather large collections of skeletons clasping cutesy Hello Kitty bags and cameras.

It is ingenious of the Master, to hide his armies in plain sight. We don’t even need to be worn to exert our power. This faculty is particularly useful for our offspring. We designed them to be wider, looser, so as to exert control remotely. Everyone – everyone – who passes from this university’s grounds receives them. Every graduate, controlled by their graduation hood. The most powerful people in the nation in thrall to the Master’s whim. Hats off to him, we say. So to speak.

Read Freya's last spine-chilling creative piece here.