I’m always the butt of every joke in my friendship group. They think it’s funny but it really hurts my feelings, even though I know they’re only joking.

Nobody is unfamiliar with the feeling elicited by a joke that hits too close to home: awkwardness, tension, and a tad too much embarrassment. We’ve most likely all been on both the giving and receiving ends of this social faux pas, but there often seems – in every friendship group I’ve ever been a part of, at least (this would be an excellent juncture for such a joke about the ‘lack thereof’…) – to be one person who always takes one for the team disproportionately often. ‘One for the team’ was a deliberate choice of phrasing here: this kind of innocent but volatile humour fundamentally provides us all with a laugh that we can, in a very animalistic fashion, bond over. Yet, despite our own knowledge that these jokes come from a perfectly innocuous place, there is an unspoken acknowledgement that, perhaps to our fault, we pretend that they have less of an impact than they actually do.

It is this fine line that often causes problems – when is enough enough? When should we actively resist the mockery? Is it worth the social stress and potential conflict? I think we’ve definitely all experienced this social anxiety in some form throughout our lives, but just because the feeling is common does not mean it isn’t significant. In a characteristically ordered fashion, I think there are several steps to overcoming this problem. 

“Friends who are unsympathetic to your emotional pain aren’t friends worth having”

The first thing to do is have a stern word with yourself, a reminder that you don’t deserve to always be the butt of the joke or the punching bag, even if your friends mean nothing by it. It’s very lucky that they do, indeed, happen to be your friends as it makes this next part a bit easier: talk to them. Whoever it is that is causing you the most distress, or if there are multiple people, find an opportune moment of calm to raise the issue and express your feelings in a simple and straightforward way. They are your friends at the end of the day and (most likely) won’t have been meaning to cause you harm, so will almost definitely agree to stop with the behaviour you find hurtful.

If for some reason they take offense to your offense (a turn of events that is incredibly frustrating), then perhaps reconsider how close your friendship should remain, even temporarily. Friends who are unsympathetic to your emotional pain aren’t friends worth having.

Equally, they may initially express commitment to your cause but later forgetfully recede it. If this does occur, which is very possible, it is necessary to be persistent, but polite, in your expression of discomfort. In most cases, the reoccurrence will be down to idleness rather than malicious intent, but again – if you sense the tone is not so, see the above point about re-evaluation.

What I think is most important to consider throughout this process, however, is why you are reacting in the way you are. It doesn’t make you weak or over-sensitive to feel belittled by personal jokes, but such recurrent feelings of victimisation are perhaps, but not necessarily, symptomatic of some deeper issues that need addressing. For instance, it may be the case that the reason you feel so attacked by the humour of your friends is that you have underlying insecurities relating to the jokes that are inflamed when you hear them.

Agony Aunt: Approaching (ridiculously attractive) people

Thus, I would advocate a joint process; self-reflection and communication are vital. Your friends may be (and most probably are) often taking their jokes too far, but the silver lining can be found in the fact that it can provide you with an opportunity to work on your own self-confidence. If, when reflecting on the emotions that are fuelled by your friends, you realise you have particular insecurities that are both unfounded yet powerful, you have at least been made more self-aware and can go progress with this in mind.

Going forward, then, the best course of action seems to be founded in gaining greater belief in yourself: if you become stronger and less insecure about the small things, you are less likely to either a) get offended by the jokes or b) take any sh*t from your friends when they make them. But, talking to them is always a good place to start