A dramatic stand-off ensued earlier this week in Selwyn College, as a rampaging mouse faced off against petrified students who just wanted some Weetabix for their breakfast.

In the gyp of the first-floor corridor of B staircase, two Selwyn students escaped harm by a whisker as the rodent, who had initially appeared from behind the recycling bin, charged at them, apparently in anger at being disturbed by the throwing-away of an empty milk carton.

Speaking to Varsity, one of the students – who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being labelled pathetic by the rest of the world – was visibly distressed as he described the scene. “Perhaps I’m being ir-rat-ional, but it genuinely seemed so much larger than they’re made out to be in the movies”, the student explained. “I’m terrified by the idea I have a mouse in what effectively constitutes my house, and if anyone has any ideas how to resolve the issue, I’m all ears.”

But when pushed, the student refused to reveal more information, refusing to rat out any further on the animal’s activities. “I don’t want to get ratty with you,” he carried on, “I just want the issue flushed away.” And later, he went on to dismiss the notion that, if future rodent attacks continue, he would take the issue to one of Selwyn’s ‘Big Cheeses’, like the Head Porter or the Master.

“This is not the first example of wild animals appearing in Selwyn.”

As news of the story broke, braver Selwyn students were soon on the tail of the mouse. Arriving armed with camera phones and a yet-to-be-cleaned pan, they performed some dangerous initial reconnaissance in an attempt to locate the animal, with limited success. Speaking to Varsity, one of the brave huntsman confirmed that the animal’s last known location is under one of the gyp’s two fridges, before calling upon all relevant stakeholders to follow the rodent’s example and “just chill.”

Having recovered from their initial shock, one of the students summoned up the courage to inform the Selwyn Porters as to the beast’s appearance. After reassuring the clearly traumatised students, the Porters confirmed that traps would be laid in order to prevent the mouse from encountering any further individuals.

Shortly after the incident, Porters were seen turning a crank to rotate a vertical gear that was connected to a horizontal gear which, as it turned, pushed an elastic-loaded lever until it snapped back in place to hit a swinging boot, which caused the boot to kick over a bucket and send a marble down some rickety stairs that fed into a chute, after which the marble hit a vertical pole – at the top of which was an open hand (palm-up) that was supporting a larger ball the movement of which, witnesses describe, knocked the larger ball free to fall through a hole in its platform into a bathtub and through a hole in the tub onto one end of a seesaw to launch a diver on the other end into a tub, which was on the same base as the barbed pole supporting a cage, with the movement of the tub shaking the cage free from the top of the pole and allowing it to fall.

One student criticised the Porters’ response as “lacking in urgency” and expressed worries that Selwyn were acting “as if it was a game.”

In a follow-up investigation of the scene, Varsity could not find any further evidence of mouse-related activity but did locate three humane traps, as promised by the Porters. Indeed, speaking to Varsity, one of the students on the corridor confirmed that, since the incident, they had not heard a further squeak from the animal.

This is not the first example of wild animals appearing in Selwyn. In Michaelmas Term of 2014, the Selwyn Snowball was disrupted by a gang of vicious reindeer, who took over part of the Selwyn Old Court. After being pelt-ed with criticism for their lax security, with startled guests telling the committee to buck their i-deers up, order was finally restored with half the night remaining.

On an unrelated note, Varsity has received reports that one of the most fawned-over stands present at the second half of that year’s Snowball distributed out freshly-cooked reindeer burgers