We need to talk about vaginas.

Now, I realize that sex ed isn’t a standard part of a theatre reviewer’s beat, but stay with me here. Before we talk about Female Personality of the Year, there are a few things we need to clear up. First off, we must slay that mythical beast of a concept, The Baggy Vagina.

Vaginas do not grow sad and saggy with use; their elastic does not wear out. They can expand to really quite impressive dimensions, it is true, but this is the temporary effect of awesome musculature. Vaginas do not get less springy over time. Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn, nor custom stale their infinite varieties. (Those are lines from two separate works and neither of them originally about vaginas. The English language is infinitely flexible, much like a vagina.)

Here endeth the lesson. The reason we are beginning this review with basic female anatomy is because, well, Female Personality of the Year seems to be remarkably ignorant about its main subject matter: females. Tedious and ill-researched jokes about bagginess are not the only problem. The entire plot hinges on women not being able to work well together, which is a particularly nasty and persistent stereotype. In short, the play risks supporting another deeply silly myth: that women can’t be funny.

To be clear, the actors in Female Personality of the Year are funny, and they are mainly women, five of them to one man. They are extremely entertaining to watch, with especially good performances from Helen Charman and Jess Franklin. The problem is that they are funny people playing unfunny characters. Have you heard the one about the career woman who’s a bad mother? Have you heard the one about the woman who can follow a cupcake recipe but has yet to achieve sentience? Yes, of course you have, because they’re the oldest and dullest jokes around. 

I’m genuinely disappointed. I really wanted to like this play. I wanted to see a hilarious comedy full of hilarious women, and instead I saw a series of misdirected attacks. By all means, make jokes about Weight Watchers – having magical points for food does sound silly, and it is a rather odd organization – but make them about the structure, not the people who buy into it. Humour works when it surprises us; when it doesn’t take the winner’s side. I want to see comedy that explodes stereotypes about women, rather than mocking women themselves.

Instead, Female Personality of the Year made fun of successful women for an hour, and then a male character scolded us for being ungrateful for success. If there was a joke here, I didn’t get it. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman.