Rampant hedonism, glittering champagne and lingering eye contact... this can mean only one thing: the return of Made in Chelsea.

Now in its 12th series (not counting several jaunts abroad), Made in Chelsea has somewhat equalled Greek Tragedy status in its cyclical inevitability. It’s a strange, champagne-fuelled world where couples eternally dither, split up, and get back together again, with a few drink-throwing, face-slapping arguments thrown in for good measure.

The show begins with a bang, and JP is on the rampage again. After spending the last four series reducing Binky to a nervous wreck, he’s back to stomping around declaring his undying love, whining about a house in the country and starting a family. If you can’t stomach another series of psychotic-possessive tendencies and the overuse of the awful pet name ‘Bubba’ then don’t worry: good old Ollie Locke is there to ward him off...

Next we’re down at Olivia Bentley’s country house for a family photoshoot. It must be a peculiarity of wealthy families to have a resident Justin Bieber lookalike/family friend – or maybe the producers were just having trouble thinking of plausible ways to introduce new cast members. Cue new boy Julius: cricket royalty turned singer.

His conversation isn’t up to much though – “I’m quite emotive”, he says. Tiff tells Mr Bentley about Liv’s summer romance with the skateboard-riding, kaftan-wearing, diamond-miner known as Francis Boulle. “Francis?” muses Papa Bentley. “I thought that was the maid.” He then attempts to rectify the awkwardness of the situation by suggesting they go and get a “large drink”.

Then there’s the tediously manufactured war between the blondes. It’s bad blood – Tiff against Toff – and the insults are flying. Team Toff are furious with Liv. Then ‘Frosty’ Frankie lashes back by calling the pair “nasty” at the regatta. Then it’s nastiness all round and no one can quite remember how this all started: no one, that is, except for new girl Emily – who’s right there stirring the pot.

Then it’s the regatta, and no one seems to be watching the boats. JP appears in a blazer with some aggressive yellow piping and bawls at anyone who stands still for long enough that he’s “GONE FROM A BOY TO A MAN”. Louise thinks he’s joking but manages to convert her laugh into a half-hearted “that’s sweet”. Ollie is cornered by the river and JP loses his head completely, bellowing like a wounded buffalo – or Mark Francis presented with a Styrofoam cup of tea. “MY PARENTS HAVE RAISED ME WELL! I’M A GENTLEMAN!” he hollers, stamping his foot like a four year old throwing a tantrum.

“Have you seen JP today?” Rosie asks an uncomfortable looking Binky – not that there’s much chance of missing him in his blazer. She then launches into a tirade on the inconstancies of men: “when people say they’re going to change it’s for all of, like, 20 minutes – and then it’s back to business”. What an interesting premise that would be for a TV show – one where the same plotlines are recycled each season and the same characters make the same mistakes until they are eventually replaced by a newer, younger version...

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