Cambridge Spies

Trinity: Marma-laden
An unfortunate fresher, pissed as a fart after a solid night at Cindies, was subject to an unfortunate prank by his so-called friends. For whatever reason, he thought it prudent to strip down to his bare bones, whereupon his industrious companions took up their towels and began whipping him on the buttocks. Being driven away from his pile of clothes, he was eventually forced into another accommodation block altogether, still in his birthday suit. Taking refuge in a kitchen, he barricaded himself in until his chums got bored of their games and headed back to bed. Having weathered the siege, our unfortunate protagonist realised the need to cover his ample manhood for the sizeable walk back to his room. And what did he use? A half-full jar of marmalade, of course, much to the delight of the late-night onlookers. So if you’re in Trinity and missing a jar of tangy orange paste, better to just forgive and forget, eh?

Magdalene: Brotherly Love
A member of Cambridge’s hill-top convent received a visit from her brother last week.

Her college sisters swooned when she paraded her dashing kin and his tree-trunk limbs through the gardens. Her young lover, a member of the boarding school monastery at the bottom of the hill, got the silly boy pissed on vino one night and offered his divan as a resting place, so very impressed had he been when he met the fraternal sportsman at dinner. Waking early to find herself alone in her lover’s bed, and desirous of some morning-time fornication, the lady was surprised to discover in the next room that her impressed beau was instead pressed into her bro.

Christ's: Self effacing
One student, just on the point of having sent off an internship application to a major London merchant bank, decided to show it to a friend who was enquiring as to the best style of communication. To his dismay, upon opening the application, he realised that one of his mischievous contemporaries had ‘Find and Replaced’ every mention of his name with the less than flattering term ‘Cockface’. Not one to own up to, we’d have thought...


Posted on Monday 3 March 2008