Unless you have been living under a rock for the last few weeks (or are cripplingly lonely), you may have noticed that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, a time of year where you desperately try and find a consenting date for a night of stilted conversation and awkward sexual advances. Whilst once all you needed was a Barry White record to Let the Music Play, those times are long gone. If you keep finding your less-than-honourable offers of ‘coffee’ resulting in a night of hot, steamy, sensuous beverages and nothing more, never fear for help is at hand! In a departure from the usual pithy, self-referential rants, I am going to bestow on you a foolproof guide to food to get you in the mood.

Entres: Avocados

The humble avocado exemplifies a general rule in aphrodisiac foods - if it sort of looks like something naughty, it’ll make you feel saucy. The Aztecs certainly thought so, naming the plant ahuacuatl, or "testicle tree", presumably in an attempt to make people feel awkward eating it. Legend has it that, during the harvests, the women would be kept under lock and key, lest the men be overcome with lust. The fruit is packed with potassium, vitamins and protein to keep you dancing the horizontal monster mash all night long. Even if it doesn’t work, it is by far the most palatable item on this list. A word of warning: if making into guacamole, hold back on the chilli. After the best part of a bottle of wine, any spreadable substance becomes fair game in the bedroom, and capsaicin on the intimate areas is certified sexual kryptonite.

Fish Course: Sea Cucumber

You could go for oysters, sure, but after reading a recipe for "Manmade Oysters" from Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes I’ve become slightly squeamish around them. Instead, why not try a phallic foodstuff? The sea cucumber is actually an animal in the starfish family, as any Natsci unfortunate enough to be served it is bound to comment between your predatory chat-up lines. Pray your dinner guest stops there as not only does this creature look like a sex toy designed to promote abstinence but it expels a sticky white mass of stomach, intestines and other ‘non-essential’ organs when attacked. This has led to its reputation as a promoter of male sexual health in traditional Chinese medicine, a practice that seems to suffer from a crippling lack of imagination. In spite of Heston Blumenthal’s attempts to persuade the public otherwise, the sea cucumber is a truly horrifying food. This doesn’t exclude it from your Valentine’s feast - the terror of seeing a 30cm spiked phallus stiffen and ejaculate everywhere will desensitise your date to your hairy back or stretch marks.

Main Course: Anything in Truffle Sauce

Truffles are universally accepted to be an aphrodisiac with their musky scent and powerful flavour. Trained truffle hogs are used to sniff out the subterranean fungus, attracted by a compound related to the pheromone androstenol also found in boar slobber. If it makes pigs randy, it’ll no doubt work on that portly rugby player you’ve been eyeing up! Try serving with lamb, which is high in zinc for a passionate evening. For a killer combo, serve with a side salad of lettuce. This mundane vegetable was deemed an aphrodisiac in ancient Egypt, implying that they achieved what no culture has since and progressed beyond the "LOL! DICKS!!!1!1" stage of human civilisation (although Cleopatra’s Needle would provide a compelling counter-argument).

To Drink: Champagne OR Absinthe

Dinner for two rarely leads to breakfast for two without the involvement of copious quantities of booze. These drinks both speak volumes about the host: "I am classy"; "I have at least one Art Nouveau poster framed on my wall"; "I’d like to think I can distinguish Dom Perignon from Sainsbury’s Cava." Sadly, this section is likely to be the most effective aphrodisiac on the list. Whilst bananas, furry beans and sea cucumbers all have one thing in common, truffles, Cristal and luxury chocolate have another. They are all rather expensive. Could the real ‘aphrodisiac’ secret behind these foods be money? If so it might be easier to buy your date a carton of cheesy chips, garnished with a £50 note. Who knows, it might even be the ticket to a night to remember rather than one whose memory you try to repress.

Dessert: Chocolate

Everyone likes chocolate, so at least your date will enjoy this part of the evening. The stimulant theobromine, named from the Greek Theo broma for "food of the gods", is the active compound in chocolate with reputed health-giving properties. It also kills dogs and increases the aggressiveness of prostate cancer but hey, nothing’s perfect! Make sure you use the good stuff - no one’s impressed by a load of molten Lion bars. If you made a fondue, it can even be used in an erotic setting if you’re feeling adventurous but don’t want to bring out the handcuffs, ball gag and cat-o-nine-tails on the first date (wuss).