I am not a man to use the word ‘hate’ lightly, but whenever I see a stand of dainty cupcakes I worry about the future of human civilisation. Granted, cupcakes are pretty; however I believe they represent the worst features of modern food (and, by extension, everyone else is wrong).

Cupcakes are the only food where presentation is the sole purpose. Obviously food should look beautiful, but ultimately it should be eaten. Deep down, we all know that miniature versions of food and drink are never as good: no-one has ever had fun with a Fun-Sized Mars Bar and the edge to middle ratio of the Mini-Cheddar is completely off. By contrast, a double G&T is more than twice the fun of a single. The tiny size of cupcakes compromises their ability to retain moisture and hence offset the sweetness of the (usually excessive) frosting. If half the time spent making pretty icing had been invested in making a fulfilling sponge that balances sweetness, shortness and moistness then maybe I’d be ready to embrace cupcakes as A Good Thing.

A properly iced cake is a real objet d’art: a joy to behold, with folds of icing and gnarled, scorched fruit peeking out from underneath it, full of promise. As you grip the knife, you’re filled with a mix of disgust at the prospect of destroying something beautiful, and anticipation for sweet crumbs rolling down your chin. Cake is a greedy indulgence to be carved into huge slabs, its carcass forming a pie-chart of your progress. Cupcakes are meagre, bitty and subconsciously remind the hungry that the object of their desire is unjustly rationed.

But, most of all, cupcakes steal the limelight from other ‘portable’ confections: favourites such as flapjacks, brownies and even the humble rice crispy cake are relegated to a joke by their fascistic pastel presence. At a bake sale a tray of sticky, moist gingerbread topped with a sharp gloss of lemon icing is overlooked in favour of hard, bubble-gum coloured, dog-turd icing on a piece of dish sponge.

So I implore you to listen to your stomach and sink your teeth into a slice of proper cake. Don’t let your eyes trick you out of the teatime treat you deserve.