One of my roommates is a serial snack thief. Crisps, biscuits, fruit, you name it – even alcohol. Precisely one glass of wine disappears from every bottle I buy! I don’t know who it is or how to stop them. What do I do?

Not very left-wing subversive sidgpilled anti-capitalist of you to be withholding such precious resources from your kitchen comrades now, is it? Have a little empathy for those of us who may or may not have rinsed the vast majority of their student loan a week into term in a haze of Gardi’s binges and torrents of triple vodkas, i.e. a last-ditch effort to salvage an average night spent at Revs; those of us who are now living in an ongoing state of ravenous hunger and filth, á la Stig of the dump. If I were you, I’d be glad they’re eating this healthy – they’ve got crisps, biscuits, wine and fruit. That’s basically the whole food pyramid, right? If you’re still hell-bent on guarding your grub (killjoy), have you ever considered booby (hehe) trapping the cupboards with an elaborate anti-theft device? If you succeed, hooray! Bask in the successes of your stinginess and alcoholism! And should they succeed? Well, if you’re the one outsmarted, the only thing to do would be to submit to your new gastronomic overlord – perhaps starting with the rest of the wine. You should be glad they’re exercising moderation (only one glass!); we’re in a cost of living crisis, and any seasoned culinary klepto would have swiped the bottle.

I accidentally scheduled two dates at the same time and I’m too embarrassed to tell them. What’s the plan?

Two dates! Oh no! Two people vying for your love and affection! How terrible! We must set up a GoFundMe immediately, so that you can be supported through this harrowing experience. Since every other answer in this column seems to be some jaded gesture towards the speeding car crash that is my own love life, I’ll be earnest. Go on a double date! That is, you will be taking double the amount of people on a date, all at once. Time is money, and economising is the sexiest thing someone can do when our collective schedules look like the opening scenes to (idk, movie about guy going mad). Plus, if things get hot and heavy, that’s your workload in the bedroom significantly diminished. Threesomes are all the rage right now! The only danger is that they inevitably get on like a house on fire, and suddenly you’re hitting the figurative road as you console yourself by bingeing on the complimentary bread basket in the corner of whatever establishment you once foolishly thought you’d find success in.

How do I get over my imposter syndrome?

Huh? You’ve got what? Oh, my… well, I’ve never heard about that before. That sounds most concerning. Are you sure you’re fit to study, suffering from a condition like that? I’m no sort of expert but the kind of person that studies here typically doesn’t suffer from that sort of thing. A ‘syndrome’ is the kind of problem that us hard-wired, endlessly academic scholars really don’t have the time for. If I were you, I’d drop out now and save yourself the trouble – heaven forbid you burn out faster than a frazzled third year who masks their own neurosis and sheer academic incompetence with the meagre authority ascribed to a biweekly mediocre advice column in the student paper!