Before I start this review, I have a confession to make: I don’t get horror movies. I don’t dislike them, nor do I think they have no artistic merit, I just don’t get them (and, no, it’s not because I’m scared, you can ask my mum). Spellbinder, though, is a film with no artistic merit. It’s everything you’d expect from a low-budget 80s horror flick: amateurish, hammy acting, woeful dialogue, and laughable special effects – no wonder the film had a limited release.

The film begins with Jeff (Timothy Daly) and a friend, your typical nondescript, dude-bro lawyer types, saving Miranda (Kelly Preston) from a seemingly abusive boyfriend. As the story progresses, it is revealed that all is not as it seems with Miranda. For Miranda is, in fact, a witch. She can alleviate pain (through unnecessarily sensual massages) and read palms – all suitably witchy behaviour. Miranda is kidnapped by her coven who use her as bait to lure Jeff to a sacrifice. There it’s revealed that he is the intended victim... Miranda’s been in on the plan all along! Miranda rips Jeff’s heart out in a scene reminiscent of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, the film with my favourite heart removal scene. The conclusion of the film sees a repeat of the opening. Miranda and her ‘boyfriend’ get into a fight in a parking lot which is broken up by a well-meaning stranger. Rinse and repeat.

“Her ‘boyfriend’ spending the film alternating between wide-eyed amazement and Melania Trump-esque squinting”

If you do watch Spellbinder for any reason it should be for the inadvertently hilarious head-burning scene, which emphasises just how dated the film is. The head of one of the witches’ victims spontaneously combusts and instantly turns to plastic – all this while a typically 80s synth soundtrack is playing in the background to dissipate any tension.

Perhaps the highlight of the film is Jeff performing a textbook back body drop on one of the witches, sending her flying down the stairs. Other than that there’s nothing of substance in the film. It’s riddled with continuity errors from the opening scene, where Jeff’s friend is cut but all blood is absent, to a scene where Jeff’s car windows and tyres are destroyed, only to be miraculously repaired in the next shot.

The acting is wooden and one-dimensional.  Guiltiest of this is Kelly Preston, who was evidently hired for her looks rather than any semblance of acting talent. The supporting cast don’t come out of it much better, her ‘boyfriend’ spending the film alternating between wide-eyed amazement and Melania Trump-esque squinting.

Unknown Displeasures: Assassination

It’s too easy to give films like Spellbinder a free pass over their quality just because they’re from the 80s. This was the decade that brought us A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Evil Dead, and The Shining, so there’s no excuse for it being as bad as it is. Spellbinder is nothing more than a poor rip-off of The Wicker Man, albeit the Nicholas Cage version.