The Daily Mail was right after all, and Ebola has become a corpse-mobilising virus that’s hurtling furiously towards Cambridge along the M11. You could just kick back and accept that it’s the end of the human race – but you’re nothing less than an overachieving Cambridge student who doesn’t know the meaning of ‘defeat’, and, besides, today you don’t really feel like having your face eaten by blood-thirsty zombies. Here’s what you’re going to do.

First, select your team. Choose carefully, and don’t just pick your best mates. You want a bunch of medics (obviously); then some blues athletes who are going to be tough fighters, like a clay pigeon shooter, or someone who can fence; someone whom you don’t like so that you don’t mind when they die; someone noble who’ll sacrifice themselves; the person you want to copulate with later once it’s time to repopulate the planet; and then some people with useful skills like engineering, computer hacking and fishing (against all odds, there are living creatures in the Cam). Unfortunately, arts students have a distinct disadvantage. I’d usually be the last one to say that sciences are more important, but to be honest when the zombie apocalypse comes I’ll pick someone who can make bombs over someone who can analyse Byron.

Next, pick your base. There are a few key considerations to take into account: reliable power supply, access to communication, and strong walls being a few of them. In Cambridge you’re in luck: the stone walls of most of the old colleges are high and thick enough to withstand most tanks. They have the added advantage of being full of useful life things like blankets and clothes, and lots of them also have things like swords that you can slay zombies with. However, you don’t want to pick one of the massive, sprawling ones like John’s – they have too much perimeter which could be compromised. Called me biased, but I think Corpus fits the bill – it’s small and so easily patrolled, and it’s walled all the way around which means there are fewer weak spots. Try and shore up gates and external windows for added security, and don’t even think about lighting fires or anything which could give away your location. And place mirrors at risky corners to avoid being jumped on and having your brains eaten, should the buggers get in.

Now you need to find a food source. Most college kitchens will be fairly well stocked but there’s no way that any of them will have enough to sustain you all for more than a few days. Also, if you’re near Peterhouse you could try shooting the deer, but the noise of the rifle may attract zombies and who like venison anyway. I recommend sending a crack team on bikes to Sainsbury’s (bikes are super great transport for the apocalypse because obviously you won’t need to rely on petrol). Come up with a clear shopping list in advance so that anxiety doesn’t result in silly choices – cans and anything pickled or frozen is good, on-offer strawberries are not. Big backpacks will be crucial on the return trip as you don’t want orange shopping bags swinging off your handlebars when you’re in a hurry. Also, stealing in these circumstances is acceptable. The checkouts will probably be closed, anyway.

Medicine is just as crucial as food, so it’s worth raiding Boots/any GP or clinic nearby and getting a good supply of antibiotics, bandages and painkillers. The medics that you’ve carefully selected will know what to do. And alcohol from the college bar can be used as an antiseptic. You also really don’t want to start relying on it for recreational use, because that’s a recipe for disaster.

Finally, get your scientists working on a cure and your ComScis doing communication and suchlike. You want to stay alive and rebuild civilisation, so you’re going to need more people that are alive. A part of your routine could be venturing out into the town to find survivors/kill zombies. Places to be wary of are anywhere with corners and anywhere dark: Market Square will be dangerous, as will churches, the UL, and Cindies (these last two are always full of zombies anyway). And be brutal: anyone that gets bitten has to go. You’re prioritising the survival of the human race, remember?