You staggered out of matric. You had nowhere to go. Two hours later, you’re toasting Euler with the mathmo DoS, your arts allegiances forgotten, in the warm glow of a bevy of new friends. Or having tried a drink in a room where everyone had matching ties, you found yourself instantly sworn into a secretive and exclusive society. Or you found yourself in any other novel situation you don’t fit in, but, confused by FOMO, you nevertheless became bound to the people you met for life. But suddenly life with your first term friends is looking pretty long. With Michaelmas over and done with, you feel less than positive about spending the rest of your degree lying on someone else’s bathroom floor, or nodding along to compsci jargon. Something has gone badly wrong in your social life. We’ve been there and we’ve learnt. Here is some wisdom.

Get New Friends Before Ditching the Old Ones:

Being friends with people you don’t like isn’t cool, but having no friends at all is even worse. So try joining a society – but be discerning. Avoid the Union (no one really likes each other there anyway) and CUSU (they might like each other but no one likes them). Host pre-drinks in your room and invite people who seem cool or well-connected, or start rowing for your college. Get Grindr even – you’ll end up with a bunch of friends in some really high places. Basically, spend a few weeks slutting yourself around and if you’re not the most detestable person in Cambridge, you’ll find some new friends.

Flash your new street cred:

Inevitably, you’ll bump into your ex-friend. At the end of the obligatory three minutes of phatic chit-chat, look at your watch and excuse yourself. Say you’re having lunch/coffee/something social with some good friends of yours. That’s right: friends. Plural. You’ve got lots now and don’t need any more.

Neighbours can’t be choosers:

Remember, your neighbours have a special status. You share a place in this world and so they have every right to enter your room unannounced and spend as long as they want there. You can’t avoid them. It’s one big polygamous marriage and divorce isn’t an option. Plus, college walls are ridiculously thin. They know things. If they don’t like you, they’ll tell everyone about that time you threw up in the shower, or about that ugly guy you slept with last week. They have power.

So prune your friendships and enjoy the ride up the Cantabridgian social strata. The more steps you follow, the higher you’ll climb. And that was the plan all along, wasn’t it?