My week

Keith Higgins, aging panto actor

Sunday

Only five days to go before the first night. It’s nice to have my name back up in lights. Jack and the Beanstalk, starring Lil’ Chris as Jack, Kate Thornton as Jack’s mother and, of course, me, reprising my greatest role. Olivier had Hamlet, Brando had Kowalski, and I’d like to think that I’ll be remembered as making the part of Buttons my very own.

Monday

Strolled around Cambridge today, bit of free time in-between the ‘dress’ rehearsal as we call it in the trade. Beautiful little town. Got recognised in M&S. Well, sort of. A woman came over to me as I was admiring the ties. “Are you?” she said. Oh, you’ve got me, I thought. I reached into my jacket pocket for a signed photo. “Yes, I thought it was you. Barbara, come here, it’s Les Dennis.” How bloody ignorant. I signed an autograph anyway. Les wouldn’t mind, we go way back. Aladdin in ’94, I think it was. Or, as I like to call them, the good old days. Few problems in rehearsal. Kate broke down in tears when someone mentioned X Factor. “Simon... was... just... so cruel,” she sobbed. I knew how she felt. It was like that time I was dropped from appearing on Richard and Judy because Chico was available instead. Well, who’s laughing now, eh? It wasn’t Chico time when I last checked my watch.

Wednesday

Talked to Peter Andre today. Good friends, Pete and me, worked together on SM:TV a few years back, before he got the big break. Terrible time with his wife, but he’ll bounce back. You can’t stop a man who came up with a classic like ‘Hysteria’, no sir. Such a lovely guy as well, always looking out for others. He asked if I was up to anything. Ha, I can’t believe he didn’t know. “Well,” I chuckled, “have you heard of a little place called the Cambridge Arts Theatre?” He hadn’t. Probably hasn’t been in the game long enough.

Thursday

Shit. Norwich has got John and Edward as Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee. The bastards, we can’t compete with that. They’re lil’ler than Chris and more ITV than Kate. I saw their version of ‘Ghostbusters’, that’s dynamite stuff. The kind of things the kids are looking at on FaceSpace. Might have to step up my act. Hmm, I think I can still juggle. Plus, saw in the papers that Chico’s re-releasing ‘Chico Time’ with a guest rap from Nappy from N-Dubz or some such. Wonder if I can sneak ‘it’s Higgins time’ into the script?

Friday

IT WAS BRILLIANT! Darlings, the audience loved me. How they laughed when I fell over, how they cheered when I couldn’t find Jack, how they howled when I couldn’t remember the words. I actually couldn’t, but, you know, I went with it. Professional, you see. “He’s behind you!” they shouted. He’s always been behind me!

Saturday

And the reviews are in. “Lots of laughs for the children” says one. Well, I’ll say. “Good song and dance routine”. I’ll make a note to get in touch with the Strictly people. “Just more of the same”. Ha, more of the same comedy gold, I imagine. Just have to wait by the phone for the West End to start calling. I knew I was back in the limelight when I spoke to my agent. What was it she said? Oh yes, ‘don’t call us, we’ll call you’. It’ll be any day now.