Based on a quick Google search, I can sadly inform you that 5,394 miles, eight time zones, and £1200 are currently separating me from my significant other (SO). I, like many other international students, came to Cambridge in a long-distance relationship. Hearing this, people’s reactions usually range from ‘awww’ to ’that must be so hard’, quickly followed by a declaration that they could never be in a LDR. But why?

I won’t recommend that everyone actively seek out LDRs, but this ingrained scepticism makes me wonder where society got the idea that LDRs are unworkable. Since I started dating, I’ve had two relationships, both long-distance. They haven’t been perfect or easy, but I’ve discovered that with some effort, LDRs can be equally fulfilling.

The first thing I’ll say is that LDRs aren’t for everyone. Some personalities and life situations are better suited to them than others, and everyone needs to figure that out for themselves. My personal blend of way-too-busy, introversion, and independence works well with them. I wouldn’t have time to date someone actually at Cambridge – and definitely wouldn’t have the discipline to do my work if I did – but this works for me. I get emotional fulfillment without sacrificing my degree or interests.

It also provides much-needed independence alongside my relationship. It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of doing the same activities and staying in the same friend group as your new SO; long-distance allows/forces me to find things that are just mine, building a community to rely on even if the relationship ends. This doesn’t mean I don’t want my SO here – believe me, I do. But it does mean that, far from being unhappy in my relationship, I value it not merely as a stop-gap until I see my SO again, but in itself for the way it improves my day-to-day life at Cambridge.

“It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of doing the same activities and staying in the same friend group as your new SO; long-distance allows/forces me to find things that are just mine, building a community to rely on even if the relationship ends.”

If you decide that LDRs aren’t impossible and that one might actually be an option for you, know that they do require effort. When my first relationship ended, I realised it was plagued by common long-distance problems which went unnoticed, ultimately leading to a messy breakup filled with resentment and regret. On the upside, I’ve learned a few major lessons for my current relationship.

Manage your expectations

If you and your SO have different expectations about how often you’ll talk, it can leave you feeling neglected and disappointed. Learn one another’s schedules (and time zones) and identify times when you’ll both be reachable so that neither person feels ignored or abandoned, just waiting for a call.

Don’t stop living

As much as you may want to Skype/call/facetime your SO, it’s important you don’t constantly sacrifice opportunities to go out with friends, play sport, or see that new play at the ADC to do so. Prioritising your long-distance SO over actively living life and forging social connections leaves you isolated and dependent on the relationship, which can be devastating if it ends. Join new activities, make plans with your friends, go see that talk at the Union – and make sure you support and encourage your SO to do the same. It shouldn’t feel like a choice between your relationship and your social life – they are compatible.

Keep them updated about your life

That being said, don’t ignore their existence because you’re busy. Keep them involved by telling them about your adventures, new friends, and that nerve-wracking supervision. Platforms like Snapchat are a great way of sharing your days so they can feel like they’re still a part of them, even from across the Atlantic. It’s important to remind them that, even though you’ve got a new life in Cambridge, they’re still an important part of it.

Make major decisions for yourself

In my experience, the biggest red flag is making life decisions for your relationship, rather than for yourself. When you miss your SO, it’s easy to choose your university, workplace, or a thousand other things based on where they’ll be. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but I promise you, it isn’t. If you’re unsatisfied with the decision, you’ll probably end up resenting your SO and quietly keeping score of sacrifices. And if, like me, your partner wouldn’t base major decisions at this stage in their life on the relationship, they’ll likely feel guilty and resent you for the pressure.

Why can’t Cambridge embrace my interracial relationship?

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to be together, just that decisions should always, first and foremost, be ones you would choose for yourself even if you were single. Talk decisions through with your partner, weighing the impact on your relationship against your personal desires for each of the options. Reassure one another that your relationship can and will survive, whatever you choose.

Steal their sweater

Okay, not literally (maybe literally?). It could be photos, letters, tickets, souvenirs – any comforting reminder of your relationship. At some point, you will miss your SO and you won’t be able to reach them. Having that reminder will help you focus on that fact that, as much as it hurts, it’s amazing to have someone that you miss that much – even if they are 5,394 miles away