As I write this, I’m almost at the end of a two-week mini-pupillage at a law firm. Despite the fact that this is my second internship to date and that interning is something that one is meant to improve at with time and experience, I still don’t think I’ve figured out how to do it properly. I may be a spectacularly bad intern, but I’ve managed to pick some golden nuggets of knowledge (read: charred lumps of coal) up from my unpaid glory days.

First – what to wear? A trivial matter, one would assume, but as I pored over my wardrobe on a Monday morning searching for an outfit, my mind was burdened singularly by a terrifying factoid from the Daily Mail: apparently, employers take six seconds to decide if they’ll hire you. Hence, I came in on my first day dressed to the nines (or so I thought), my white blouse tucked tightly into my pencil skirt and my kitten heels primed to clack loudly against the parquet floors. I was a powerhouse corporate vision, plucked straight from the set of Mad Men. After sharing a Firm and Professional Handshake with the barrister I’d be shadowing, I sat down in a corner of the office, ready to get my hands dirty. What I’d forgotten was that I’d safety pinned the back of my skirt, and plonking myself down confidently onto a low chair somehow undid the clasp. The pin rammed itself into the back of my thigh and I leapt up like I was being exorcised. What to take away from this experience? Dress for the job you want. But don’t injure yourself doing it, for God’s sake.

“Slack off, but be smart about it.”

During my stint, I would often feel like more of a nuisance than a helpful presence in the office. For me, this was confirmed when the barrister I shadowed tripped over my backpack and spilled the contents of his coffee mug onto the wall. This was further confirmed when I attempted to clean up, but in wiping up the spillage, managed to embed the stains deeper and more visibly into the plaster. I tried to counter-act my obviously superfluous role in the machine by looking super busy and engaged. At the business of looking busy, I am an expert. Sometimes, I found myself simply waiting around for a new task. My advice? Slack off, but be smart about it. I don’t need to remind you to keep a legitimate task open in a readily accessible window (Mac users: switch quickly between applications using ⌘Tab); to mute your Facebook chat sounds; to use an FT article on oil prices as a failsafe instead of opening Google in a new tab. Ultimately, if you are fortunate enough to take on real responsibilities as an intern, complete the task to the best of your ability, and take careful note of the feedback and criticism you receive. But in the instances where everyone is too busy to micromanage you, amuse yourself but cover your tracks.

Important tip – eat! Breakfast! I’ve lived the horror story to prove it. I was instructed to put together a skeleton submission; meanwhile, the barrister had donned headphones to get in the zone to write legal advice. The atmosphere was terse and productive, the room enveloped in the sound of our keyboards clattering and the clock ticking; the hyper-focus was palpable. Right then, out of nowhere, my breakfast-starved digestive system decided it was an appropriate time to cry wolf; our silence was broken by the deafening roar of my gut. Not a hollow growl to convey its emptiness; rather, it emitted a moist, insipid sort of squelch, as the acids in my untenanted stomach tossed and churned on each other in the absence of morsels to digest. The barrister removed his headphones slowly (they weren’t as noise-cancelling as was marketed, apparently) and turned quizzically towards me. “Do you need to excuse yourself, Lizzy?” he asked curtly. “I’m so, so sorry,” I stammered, “I didn’t have breakfast this morning.” Never again. 

A Blagger’s Guide to Sounding Cultured

You hear stories of interns making themselves so indispensable to the company that they’re hired straight off the job, and it’s hard to see yourself in that narrative when you’re wedged between the walls of a toilet cubicle to steal a quick nap before your 12:30 lunch break. What I’ve learned to do is to loosen up. Capitalise on the fact that, as an intern, you’re not supposed to have all the answers, but you can try to find them. Traffic in people’s low expectations of you. Bask in it. Be a freeloader, and accept your boss’s offer to pay for your lunch and transport. Ultimately, your job is to learn, and to make your impact on the company as close to positive as possible. No pressure