When I was little, if anyone ever asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I’d most likely have a spreadsheet ready to hand with a clear breakdown, from what was to be Santa’s top priority (further plastic dinosaurs to populate my bedroom floor) to what could probably wait (that glow in the dark keyring from the back pages of the Argos catalogue). Nowadays, my inner child dies a little whenever I give a defeatist shrug and reply: “I probably need some books.”

“For 2017, I wish that every minor complaint and inconvenience could be whisked away into the North Pole.”

Truly, what I’d like for Christmas is for the world to be a little bit less rubbish. I think after the year that shall hereafter be remembered as ‘Anno Oo-er That Was a Bit of a Cock-up’, what we’d all like for 2017 is World Peace, and perhaps for certain world leaders to have an unfortunate run-in with a killer whale. Unfortunately, I’m starting to think that the world has problems that are too important and complex to be wished away. While I may have completed a whole term at the University of Cambridge, I very much doubt I’m yet equipped to approach the UN with my ten-point plan to solve the world’s humanitarian and geopolitical crises. Maybe after Lent.

In lieu of that, I’ve devised another sort of Christmas list. A very small Christmas list of solutions to some very small problems, the day-to-day botherations that we could probably do without. For 2017, I wish that every minor complaint and inconvenience could be whisked away to the North Pole. I can confirm that I’m on the Good List this year (I didn’t spoil the ending of Stranger Things for my brother, even though I totally could have done), and so Santa owes me one. The fat man had best be listening, because what you’re about to read may change the course of Christmas wish lists forever.

1) I wish people would listen when other people tell them their names.

I never said my name is Katie. It isn’t Katie. Stop calling me Katie.

2) I wish there was always a free seat on public transport

Or even better, two free seats, one for you, one to provide a safe distance from the bloke giving off those distinctly gropey vibes in your carriage. Scratch that, I wish there weren’t men giving off distinctly gropey vibes on public transport.

3) I wish that people who don’t wear glasses understood it’s not okay to take them off people who do

It’s not okay for them to get their grubby fingerprints all over the lenses, rendering you even more blind when you eventually get them back after the cretin with 20/20 vision has gone around all their mates asking, ‘Do I suit these?’ The meek shall inherit the Earth, and, just because we can’t see you, doesn’t mean we can’t stop you.

4) I wish people chatted to the cashier in supermarkets

Because it’s a nice thing to do. Next time you’re packing your yoghurt into your (probably misleadingly named) Bag for Life, ask the cashier how their day is going.

The most wonderful time of the year? Christmas without a loved one

5) I wish that people who intend to flirt declared their purpose before beginning the interaction

If I was in charge of the Big Book of Romantic Advances (which I’m not – it’s a role I think actually belonged to Brad Pitt, but, following his recent divorce, was conceded to Ed Miliband), I’d prescribe that if anyone intends to flirt with anyone else, their opening line should be: ‘I AM ABOUT TO FLIRT WITH YOU.’ That way, those of us with the emotional intelligence of a plastic spoon would have the clarity they so desperately need. Further to that, it would solve all those awkward situations in which you think someone is flirting with you, but in reality they really need a wee and their dress has been stuck under your chair leg for the past twenty minutes.

Since Santa failed to deliver on the pony I asked for last year, I don’t believe my demands are unreasonable. However, I understand that he’s a very busy man with a lot of mince pies to get through before New Year. The world is a scary, unpleasant, often unfathomable place at the moment, so even if 2017 doesn’t grant those five wishes, all I want for Christmas is for everyone to perhaps be a little kinder.

(Also a Lamborghini)