As a fresher, I was told that I should have expected the pressure. It is Cambridge, after all. What I wasn’t aware of was just how much stress people accept as normal. It’s quite well acknowledged that the pressure of Cambridge can often get too much. Yet, we are told that we are lucky just to be at Cambridge. We are told that we are at the centre of academic excellence, that doors will be opened to us and that we can land any job we set our hearts on. This thinking leads to accepting the high pressure lifestyle as simply one of the ‘quirks of Cambridge’. With all the advantages Cambridge affords us, what right do we have to complain?

I’ve come to realise we have every right. Whether through serious discussion or wry comments, it can be quite healthy to add a dose of pessimism among all the excitement. To get the much needed grumbling started, here is a gloomy guide to first year:

How to survive your first term at Cambridge

Fashion Don’t bother making an effort with your looks. By exam term, everyone will have seen you in the Hello Kitty pyjamas you’ve been wearing since you were 14, scraping unwashed hair from your face as you cry into your seventh Co-op energy drink

Societies Quickly unsubscribe from all societies you sign up to at the Freshers’ Fair. The endless emails will be a constant reminder that you no longer have any time to have a life.

Caffeine Stay away from caffeine. By exam term, it will be 3pm and you’ll be well on your way to your ninth double espresso and wondering where all your money and sanity is going.

Boasting Nobody cares that you were regional debating champion or how many A*s you got at GCSE. You’re a small fish now, kiddo.

Natural Sciences If you’re a NatSci, sucks to be you.

Porters Make friends with the porters. They will see you swaying with a kebab in hand, sporting several stolen Hawaiian leis from Lola’s, and, still in the clubbing spirit, attempt to slut drop against the porters’ desk. Maybe this one is just me.

Workload Please don’t tell everyone how Really Very Busy you are. We all go to Cambridge. We all have no time to boil a kettle and settle for eating coffee beans raw. Get over it.

Politics Cambridge is a great place to discuss political views. However, heated political discussions at pre-drinks is not a good way to make friends, but a sure fire technique to be missed out of the taxi count. There is a time and a place for debating Blair’s international policy, but a lighthearted game of ring of fire is not one of them.

Supervisions Believe it or not, your supervisors do not actually want to find every glimmer of light left in your life and destroy it. They are humans too. Tell them if the work load is unbearable, and they might suggest ways to lighten it. Or just opt for handing in essays written in half an hour after a night out and let the drunken ramblings speak for themselves.

Friendships Don’t worry too much about making friends. Even if you realise that you hate everyone, you can find another miserable sod and bask together in your mutual dislike of everything that is Cambridge.

But, in all seriousness, my first year at Cambridge was the best of my life – even when I didn’t change out of my pyjamas for three weeks during exam term. Don’t take the Cambridge traditions and pressures too seriously, have fun, and remind yourself that first year doesn’t even count.