Ooo May Week is here, OO but it is also JUNE, and OOOO fancy parties and crying because you’re leaving and you don’t know whether to be sad because all of your ‘friends’ are going to piss off to the City to get ‘money’, or because your life being molly-coddled is over, unless you’re actually really wealthy and posh and your life here is actually a deduction from home-life, then you’re crying coz you got Bolly (see: Bollinger) in your eye and it hurt you. Maybe your tears are joyous ones, and if not, this May Week edition of ‘Bye, bitch’ will turn that frown, into a see-ya crown (ha)!

1. The real, inescapable pressure of a time, known by others as, ‘Easter Term’, ‘Term before Summer’, ‘a period of education where the weather is decent’, but here as: EXAM TERM.

2. You can see and be around your old friends. Remember them? They knew you before you could get away with being seen as cool because you bought an addidas/fils jumper from Urban Outfitters for £75, (and still willingly hung around you). They knew you when you had a side fringe and rejected getting disgustingly rekt in a field at 14 to go to your oboe lesson and get a ‘head start’ on your additional maths homework for next year.

3. Libraries won’t be mentally concurrent with prison now. You will now be able to get away with the whole ‘silently intelligent’ type. You couldn’t get away with this before. Before it was “I remain silent because I have no idea how to speak Latin, I thought I took English, why is everyone name dropping Italian poets and not Kim Kardashian, I can’t contribute I don’t have a preferred caviar brand. Haddock? Cod? That’s all the fish I know.”

4. This conversation with a male fresher in a college bar: “Oh, is that a Women’s College? That’s really interesting… can I ask you; do you think that will disadvantage you in the workplace? I read this really interesting article in The Telegraph…”

5. Exam paper: Discuss “kneeling” in Shakespeare’s drama. brain: *EXPLETIVES*

6. Going to a college where a fine for having a dusty mirror in your room is literally a thing that exists.
STUDENT: "Wow, this concept is really complex and difficult to grasp. How will I condense it into this 2,000 word essay?"
SAME STUDENT: "Wow, this concept is really complex and difficult to grasp. Naturally, I will instigate a massive Twitter argument about it because 140 characters is totally enough space for this kind of nuanced socio-political discussion. Yep."

7. This conversation with a male fresher in a college bar, part two: "But seriously, I mean, do you think it will hamper your relationships with men, because..."
ME: "Well actually, not every student at Newnham is…"
MALE FRESHER: "Like, knowing how to assert yourself so you’re not talked over is something that I personally think you might just, like, miss out on..?"

8. Any student who uses the phrases “townie” or “Dangerspoons”. “Ironically” is very much not an excuse.