How far does the reach of the patriarchy extend and plant itself into the sex lives of cis men and women? Pretty far if we consider the phenomenon of the ‘orgasm gap’; a phrase used to refer to the fact that women are less likely than men to experience an orgasm during heterosexual sex. An American study in 2014 found that women in heterosexual relationships orgasm less than 65 per cent of the time during intercourse, compared to 85 per cent for men. Another American study from 2000 found that for every time a women orgasms, a man does so three times. The orgasm disparity has become so naturalised that it has resulted in the belief that it is just ‘more difficult’ to make a girl come than a guy. By this understanding, is the gap biologically determined, and based on the differences between male and female sexual anatomy? No – it is a product of the patriarchy, which frames sexual relationships to not only privilege male pleasure but also to deny any for females. This begs the question: ‘Should women even enjoy sex?’

The orgasm gap is a social failure. Despite traditional ‘scientific’ opinions and widespread common belief, there’s actually absolutely nothing in the anatomy of a vulva which should make it less likely for women to have orgasms during sex. Despite the pervading myth that somehow women’s orgasms are harder to come by, it actually takes, on average, the same amount of time for a woman to orgasm during masturbation (that’s right, women masturbate!) as it takes a man to during intercourse: four minutes. The female body is entirely capable, and purposefully formed (see: clitoris) to reach orgasm, and women shouldn’t be made to feel like their bodies are a burden on their pleasure. Women who orgasm regularly during masturbation routinely report fewer orgasms during sex with a partner, and, even when controlling for factors such as the increased likelihood of orgasm during masturbation for either sex, the glaring hole of the orgasm gap persists. So if biology isn’t the problem, what is? A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that women in lesbian relationships reportedly orgasm just as often as men do in heterosexual relationships. What is it about getting into bed with a man which negatively affects a woman’s chances of achieving an orgasm, but has absolutely no effect on a man’s? Some say that sex is about power; is that power patriarchal?

In a patriarchal world, the only thing worse than being the woman who has sex, is being the woman who desires it. This has immeasurable effect on the ways men and women view themselves sexually, and the ways they interact before, during, and after sex.

The total lack of attention, and prudish squeamishness, with which the female sexual organs are discussed perpetuates such an imbalance. Almost as many women failed a test to identify the clitoris as men did. The point of this article isn’t to say that every man actively and consciously dismisses the physical enjoyment of their partner, but rather that we’re all informed by a system laced with male privilege, and that affects the way we think about and relate to a woman’s body. An exemplar of the unwillingness of our society to indulge in female pleasure is highlighted in the discourse surrounding male and female masturbation. It’s not difficult to believe that part of the problem causing the orgasm gap is the shaming of women for exploring and becoming comfortable with the sexual workings of their bodies, in a way that men are not. Female pleasure thus appears intrinsically related to male-asserted boundaries. Is it necessary that a woman who speaks openly about the self-fulfilment of her sexual desires is given the label of slut, or repulsive? Does the idea that a woman can possess sexual desire, just by virtue of her being a sexual person, make us uncomfortable?

The problem with the taboo of female masturbation and the pursuit of female sexual pleasure in its own right is that women feel unable to or uncomfortable with the idea of communicating to a partner exactly what they do or don’t like during sex. This is symptomatic of the inequality of opportunity offered to women to grow comfortable with the sexual workings of their body. We are taught that a women’s role is that of the passive subject, and sex is no exception. The reality is, most women masturbate in their lifetime and many do so regularly; this is completely normal. A person’s decision to masturbate or not shouldn’t be informed by gender stereotypes which manipulate their sexual identity. The difference between the taboo of female masturbation and the overt acknowledgement of male has resulted in a situation in which masturbation itself has become synonymous with the insatiability of the male sex drive – it’s common knowledge that men have a higher sex drive than women (but women are hysterical and overly emotional), right?

After all, women crave sexual intimacy more than physical gratification, true pleasure for a woman comes from an emotional orgasm of closeness and connectedness. Oh wait. No. The desire for emotional intimacy isn’t and shouldn’t be gendered or treated as a mutually exclusive trade off with physical enjoyment. The belief that women are biologically inclined to prioritise emotional closeness from sex is a myth which exempts partners from attending to the fulfilment of a woman’s physical desires. According to the patriarchy, the most important thing to a woman isn’t the female orgasm, it’s the intimacy which follows male climax, and societal gratification that she was royally chosen to be a receptor for male pleasure.

A common theme in the research conducted on the orgasm gap is that many men haven’t even realised that it exists. Irony aside, if you’re a man and the content of this article comes as a shock, you’re not alone – research shows that men in heterosexual relationships believe that their female partners orgasm significantly more often than they actually do. Are women faking it out of guilt that the reason they can’t orgasm is due to some bodily fault or the desire to protect the feelings of their partner? Or has the patriarchy produced some superpower by which men hallucinate orgasmic women in order to preserve some confidence in their sexual prowess? Perhaps it is the completely unrealistic portrayal of orgasms from pornography. Who can say, though steps are being made towards recognition that women and men still aren’t equals, not even in bed.

Thankfully, things have come some way from the days of the sexual revolution. Women are becoming more comfortable with the idea of being open about what makes them orgasm, and know that desiring sexual pleasure doesn’t inform their worth or identity. The tendency of porn, from which many early opinions on sex are formed, to focus on penetrative sex and male climax as the culmination of the sexual experience, inherently forgoes the female experience in favour of the male. This is because women are much less likely to orgasm from penetrative sex alone, and are much more likely to do so from oral sex and a combination of sexual activities.

Male sexual partners are better placed to help a woman to orgasm during sex if they care about her; research shows that women are much more likely to achieve an orgasm during sexual relations with a regular partner, though men have roughly the same chance of having an orgasm with a regular partner, as with a one-night stand. The reasons for this remain speculative, but could be partly due to a sense that a woman can only escape the guilt of sex and focus on her own enjoyment once she has established a relationship with a regular partner.

As if the equation of promiscuity and guilt isn’t a strong enough aphrodisiac, the unrealistic beauty standards placed on women by society aren’t just left at the bedroom door. A key ingredient to generally enjoying sex, and to orgasm, is relaxation, and this is hard to do without desperately trying to maintain a perfect figure in the meantime. Tummy rolls and stretch marks are beautiful, and it doesn’t do to worry more about the way your body looks than the way it feels. Your appearance is never a commodity for your partner’s consumption and enjoyment.